ColemanMedia Report

Just hours after Goldman Sachs’ highly-publicized $450 million investment in Facebook, investment firm and credit rating agency Booty’s released a brief valuing the ubiquitous social network at “one million trillion dollars,” nearly 67 thousand times the current GDP of the United States. Juergen Riesling, chief analyst for Booty’s, justified the valuation based on Facebook’s recent usurping of Google and the 405 freeway in Los Angeles as the most trafficked site in the world. “To be perfectly honest, we just threw that number out there to see if people would buy it,” said Riesling about the valuation. “It was a bet between me and Clyde, and he won. So if you’re the proud owner of any of those privately traded shares, um, now might be a good time to think about shorting them. Or not, if you don’t mind taking a rather expensive bubble bath. I’m off to buy the first of twelve lunches for Clyde.”

Erstwhile online social network and stalking ground MySpace quietly announced a complete re-launch last week, according to the six reporters that attended a press conference led by CEO Mike Jones. The forgotten social network reportedly re-tooled itself to be an entertainment portal where users can find and consume music, video, and gossip, prompting many media pundits to say: “wait, MySpace is still around?” “No f*cking way!” said Jamichael Carrington of popular online blog TechCrunchBerries. “MySpace is still in business? I wonder if I still have a profile over there. I don’t even know how I’d check, though. I mean, I have no clue what my user name was. Wow, this is far out!” In a related story, a 122-year-old Coast Redwood tree fell in a remote area just south of Spring Lake in Sequoia National Park, according to the National Audobon Society. The exact time of the fall is not known.

In an attempt to become more relevant with socially-connected teens and tweens, the California Department of Education announced Monday afternoon that it will enact a 140-character limit for all English, Literature, and Social Sciences essays written by high school and junior high school students throughout the state. The limit, which effects grades 7 through 12, is also seen as a key way to plug a nearly $1 billion budget gap. “Let’s face it,” said State Superintendent Jack O’Connell. “Students these days can’t concentrate on one subject for more than 8 seconds, or about the time it takes the average 16-year old to text 4 of their friends. So why try to fight it? It will free up time for teachers as well, so it’s a win-win for everyone. Besides, I’m more than confident that the complex moral and social themes explored in, say, Emily Bronte’s Wuthering Heights or Nathaniel Hawthorne’s The Scarlett Letter can be adequately addressed in 140 characters or less. Or at least they can express how much the book ‘sckd’”

Fresh on the heels of news that Facebook knowingly shared personally identifiable data with 3rd party applications, 22-year-old waitress Sarah Tobias reported that she had received unsolicited text messages and flowers from a man only identified as “roger@zynga.” According to police reports, Tobias received 38 text messages over a 48-hour period before receiving a “Sentimental Surprise” bouquet of flowers at her Burlingame, CA apartment, all from a Zynga email account, the company responsible for the popular Farmville social game. The text messages, which complemented Tobias on her Farmville eggplant patch, music interests, and “Halloween 2009″ Facebook photo gallery, have Tobias on edge. “Um, I have no idea who this guy is, how he got on my profile, or how got my phone number,” said Tobias. “But if asks me to send more pics of me in my Dorothy costume again, I swear I’m gonna lose it!” Zynga and Facebook officials declined to comment for this story.

Box Office Mojo and the Center for Unusually Shameless Puns reported early Monday that Sony Pictures’ quasi-controversial movie The Social Network reached profitability nearly 257 times faster than any actual social network in existence. The $50-milllion movie, which chronicles the fictionalized story of Mark Zuckerberg during the founding of Facebook, brought in $80 million in under 3 weeks, a far cry from the 5 years it took its namesake to reach profitability. “The Social Network‘s earnings are just incredible,” said Erik von Snideowitz from popular social blog Mashable. “If we compare its time to profit to, say, that of Facebook or MySpace, one could conservatively value it at approximately $800 billion by 2014. More optimistic projections value it at 2.4 trillion, or enough to pay off nearly 1/6th of the national debt.” Snideowitz’s projections have been challenged by many in the media and entertainment industries, however. “If The Social Network grosses anything close to Avatar,” said famed director and megalomaniac James Cameron, “I’ll personally see to it that Fincher never works in this town again.”

Looking to cash in on the skyrocketing social media marketing budgets and shore up shrinking revenues, the States of California and New York separately announced that they will begin taxing marketers’ “earned media” throughout the social Web. Under the new statutes, which take effect January 1, California will levy a $15 tax for every positive Facebook comment, $17 for every blog post, and $22 for every viral video view relating to a Brand or corporation operating out of the state. New York will levy similar fees. “Everyone keeps talking about how earned media is far more valuable than paid media,” said California State Controller John Chiang, “so we’ve decided to treat it as an asset. And tax the hell out of it. If companies want to engage in viral marketing tactics, they’re going to have to pay the piper. And that piper is me. You know that sexy, saucy Old Spice guy? Come January 1st, he’s gonna get hit with a bill so big it’ll make Nicolas Cage look like a financial guru.”

Officials with Department of Justice and the State of Oregon jointly confirmed late Tuesday that the Mayor of the Burgerville on SW Canyon Road, local college student Jimmy McSeamus, has been charged with 16 counts of election fraud in 9th Circuit Federal Court. According to court affidavits, the charges contend that McSeamus, who has held the Mayorship of the Beaverton, OR fast food location on Foursquare for over 6 months, illegally obtained his appointment by checking in numerous times from across the street, while walking to his day job nearby at Video Only. “We have more than enough evidence to convict McSeamus,” said Deputy District Attorney Conrad McMasters, “including GPS location data and several solid eyewitness accounts. And we intend to throw the book at him. Blagojevich may have gotten away with this one, but McSeamus is going down.” If convicted on all 16 counts, McSeamus faces up to 12 years in Federal prison, the loss of his Mayorship, and the loss of his Adventurer badge.

The Federal Emergency Management Agency confirmed early Tuesday that nearly 230 million people across the United States have been injured in the social media “explosion” that has rocked the country over the last 12 months.  According to FEMA officials, the injuries, which range from mild annoyances to severe head traumas, have been caused by the perfect storm of rising social media usage, a surge in social media marketing campaigns, and chief marketing officers demanding to know what their social media strategies are.  ”We predicted back in 2008 that social media presented a significant health risk,” said Lon Dolittle, Chief Emergency Response Officer for FEMA.  ”But we had no idea it would be this bad.  This ‘explosion,’ as so many sales reps and media journalists have aptly named it, has not just torn a hole in the fabric that was everyday physical human contact, but it’s created arguably the most over-hyped and inflated media phenomenon this country has ever seen.”

Self-proclaimed social media expert and panelist Lester Swindleson refused to verbally answer any of moderator Sam Speakwell’s questions during the “Media and Marketing in the Social Graph” session at the OMMA Social Media Conference last week, opting instead to live-Tweet his comments, according to several deeply irritated witnesses at the scene.  Swindleson’s Tweets, which included many references to the hash tags #stupidquestion and #socialNOOB, were reportedly intended to demonstrate his wikipedic knowledge and nonsensical commitment to the medium.  ”Really, it just made him look like a complete and total douchebag,” said one conference attendee who asked to remain anonymous.  ”I mean seriously, who came to this conference to watch this ass clown type things into his Droid Incredible?  Thank God my company didn’t actually have to pay for me to attend this conference, or they would feel like complete idiots.  Speaking of idiots, where the hell do they find these people?”

A study released late last week by the Center for Social (Media) Studies revealed that quasi-popular location-based social networking tool Foursquare is a “complete and total sausagefest.”  According to the report, the Foursquare user base has a nearly four-to-one male-to-female ratio, almost double the two-to-one male-to-female ratio required to officially proclaim a party a “sausagefest.”  ”Everyone was so hot on Foursquare, from marketing departments, to, well, marketing departments,” said lead researcher Just Czechtin.  ”But these findings totally killed the party.  After finding out that most of the people on Foursquare were just ad agency people trying to figure out how people use it, and 75% of those people were dudes, we expect most people to check out, and migrate over Sammy’s house party, where at least you have a chance at talking to some chicks.”