ColemanMedia Report

In a clever and daring reverse marketing strategy and a desperate attempt to steal back sliding market share, once-popular retailer The Gap revealed Monday that it has been shipping sex-crazed competitor Abercrombie & Fitch’s fall clothing line to the cast of MTV’s Jersey Shore. According to a spokesperson from the San Francisco-based clothing chain, the move is an attempt to make Abercrombie & Fitch’s clothes less desirable by association with the show. “Look, we learned a while ago that we can’t convince anyone that we’re cool anymore,” said Marka Hansen, president at The Gap. “But we can trick people into thinking our competitors aren’t cool either. And what better way to do that than outfit Snooki every time she gets arrested for public drunkenness. I mean, everyone realizes that at this point, the show is just a caricature of itself, so why not drag our competitors down with it?” Ed. Note: Senior Maternity Leave Correspondent Stephanie Felenstein contributed to this story.

A study released Monday by the Center for Modern Advertising and the Effect on Intelligence revealed that the unprecedented 4% drop in US beer sales recently may be a product of consumers finally realizing that drinking light beers out of bottles or cans does not actually make one more attractive to the opposite sex.  According to the study, only 74% of consumers surveyed still believe that drinking a beer at a bar, bbq, or unusually hot commuter train will cause exceptionally beautiful women to approach them – a sharp decline from only 2 years ago.  ”What we’re seeing is unprecedented,” said Guy Rosenthall, a fellow with CMAEI.  ”As consumers start to associate their product experiences with reality, their purchasing habits actually change.  Soon beer marketers may have to replace the ‘it’ll get you laid’ positioning with a ‘it’ll help you forget about your day at work’ message.”

The Center for Parental Deflection of Responsibility announced a recall of nearly 30 million babies and toddlers early Tuesday after a study released earlier in the week revealed that the babies posed a serious risk of injury to themselves.  The recall, which comes on the heels of a massive recall of Roman-style shades and blinds, affects 29.8 million children under 36 months of age born between 2002 and 2009.  According to the report, the babies’ defects make them prone to injuries, boo-boos and owwies if left unattended by their parents for more than 36 minutes, and have caused their parents to miss over 67 million hours of primetime TV and “mommy-daddy alone time.”  ”We spent years blaming every product in the household for injuries to children,” said Karen Litigowitz, president of the CPDR.  ”Until we finally figured out it was the children’s fault all along.  As for the parents, they can’t possibly be held responsible for the well-being of their own children.  Micheal Bradley Litigowitz!!!  Stop hitting your sister with that hammer or no Dexter for you tonight!!  Sorry, what was I saying?”

Responding to widespread criticism over claims that Cocoa Krispies supports children’s immunity, Kellogg Corporation revised the packaging of the popular kids cereal to reflect the more accurate and verifiable claims that the chocolate-flavored rice crisps can cure cancer and secure world peace, if included as a part of this nutritious breakfast.  The criticism reportedly stemmed from bold lettering on boxes of Cocoa Krispies claiming that the cereal “helps support your child’s IMMUNITY,” which has since been corrected, according to Margaret Bath, Kellogg’s VP of Research, Quality and Technology.  ”At Kellogg, we strive for quality and truth in everything we do, and we apologize for any confusion,” said Bath.  ”Earlier claims of supporting immunity were pure suppositions based on vitamin content, but the current claims of curing cancer and attaining world peace are far more honest, incontestable, and likely to sell more boxes of cereal to people too gullible to check up on our claims.”

Just days after “Gwen,” the homeless doll generated a chorus of outcry in the mommy blogosphere, El Segundo-based toymaker Mattel announced that it will hold off on launching its “Crack Babies” line of dolls until it can conduct more research into the marketability of the toys.  The doll line, aimed at girls 3-11, was originally slated to launch in mid-October, just in time for holiday shopping season, but may be held back at least two weeks, according to a company spokesperson.  ”Initial research indicated that social responsibility was a hot-button issue with parents at the moment,” said Mattel CEO Robert A. Eckert.  ”And we know that people want to look like they care about important issues without actually doing something about it.  Because, let’s be honest, no one wants to get their hands dirty.  But the automatic ‘fiending’ feature may have been a bit too much.  So we’re looking at more subtle ways to allow privileged kids to have fun at the expense of those much less fortunate.”

Osaka-based electronics manufacturer Panasonic announced late last week that it will launch a $80 million dollar multi-platform ad campaign to support its new Shower Auto-Tune line of products.  The campaign, set to launch just before Halloween and continue throughout the Holiday season, will reportedly play up the device’s pitch shifting capabilities, which, according to Panasonic representatives “eliminates up to 76%” of out-of-tune shower singing.  ”In all of our market research,” said Taki Yakamito of Panasonic, “poor shower singing was rose to the top of customers’ pet peeve lists.  So why not solve an annoying problem with something five times as annoying?”  The campaign, targeted at shared-bathroom households, annoyed wives, and younger siblings, will encourage customers to submit user-generated versions of Jay-Z’s D.O.A., which will be bundled with the devices.