ColemanMedia Report

Twenty-six-year-old junior programmer Gary Wallace confirmed early Monday morning that the ‘Censored’ link on Craig’s List’s local Los Angeles Web site was not working properly, according to several co-workers at the Torrance office of Mediamind Over Matter. Wallace reportedly made several attempts to visit the new section at his home computer from approximately 12:30 to 2:30 a.m. Monday morning, including VPN and asymmetric backdoor queries, all unsuccessful. Attempts from the office later the same morning were also unsuccessful, according to art director Sandi Gustafson, who reportedly witnessed Wallace’s frustration in not being granted access. “Awesome,” said Gustafson. “I wonder if Gary realizes he’s trying to access the [recently closed] ‘adult services’ section from an office computer. I guess I could tell him, but it’ll waaay be more fun if HR catches him first. I mean, the first day back from Labor Day is always kind of boring. This might wake me up better than that 3rd cup of coffee.”

In a clever and daring reverse marketing strategy and a desperate attempt to steal back sliding market share, once-popular retailer The Gap revealed Monday that it has been shipping sex-crazed competitor Abercrombie & Fitch’s fall clothing line to the cast of MTV’s Jersey Shore. According to a spokesperson from the San Francisco-based clothing chain, the move is an attempt to make Abercrombie & Fitch’s clothes less desirable by association with the show. “Look, we learned a while ago that we can’t convince anyone that we’re cool anymore,” said Marka Hansen, president at The Gap. “But we can trick people into thinking our competitors aren’t cool either. And what better way to do that than outfit Snooki every time she gets arrested for public drunkenness. I mean, everyone realizes that at this point, the show is just a caricature of itself, so why not drag our competitors down with it?” Ed. Note: Senior Maternity Leave Correspondent Stephanie Felenstein contributed to this story.

In an apparent move to preemptively protect their brand, increasingly empirical social network service Facebook filed a cease and desist notice in California District Court against the A-Team, temporarily prohibiting them from using the nicknames “Face” or “Faceman” in any movie sequels, TV re-runs or mall appearances. The notice, served to John “Hannibal” Smith, Templeton “Face” Peck, H.M Murdock, and B.A. Baracus, goes before an appellate judge Thursday, and is widely expected to be temporarily granted. The move reportedly did not surprise many legal experts. “It’s textbook, really,” said legal expert Hamilton Burger. “Facebook already takes great pride in unfettered ownership of their users’ privacy and online behavior, so why not take the property of anything that even remotely resembles their name, especially in the form of 80′s TV shows and horrible remakes? It makes total sense. Actually, can you strike that whole ‘textbook’ comment? I don’t want them suing me for using the word ‘book.’ Shit, scratch that last line too, would you?”

Just hours after Wired Magazine made its now infamous proclamation – made in part on their Web site – officials with the Los Angeles County Coroner’s Office confirmed that the Internet died sometime before noon last Tuesday, leaving nearly 2 million online marketers, webmasters, designers and programmers out of a job, according to the U.S. Department of Labor. The death, officially caused by acute disbelief according to the Coroner’s report, has economists and media watchdogs in a near state of panic. “This is the worst news we’ve ever heard,” said Tommy Gnoasital of popular online news site Mashed. “Usually these kinds of self-serving, nonsensical predictions are just that: bullshit predictions. I mean, how long have people been claiming that ‘TV is dead,’ or that ‘newspapers are dead,’ or that ‘MySpace is dead?’ What’s next? Smartphones? Porn? I better go change my passwords.” When asked about where the information for the prediction came from, an editor at Wired said only: “You see that money you’re carrying around in your pocket? It’s worthless. The whole concept of money will cease to exist by January.”

Looking to cash in on the skyrocketing social media marketing budgets and shore up shrinking revenues, the States of California and New York separately announced that they will begin taxing marketers’ “earned media” throughout the social Web. Under the new statutes, which take effect January 1, California will levy a $15 tax for every positive Facebook comment, $17 for every blog post, and $22 for every viral video view relating to a Brand or corporation operating out of the state. New York will levy similar fees. “Everyone keeps talking about how earned media is far more valuable than paid media,” said California State Controller John Chiang, “so we’ve decided to treat it as an asset. And tax the hell out of it. If companies want to engage in viral marketing tactics, they’re going to have to pay the piper. And that piper is me. You know that sexy, saucy Old Spice guy? Come January 1st, he’s gonna get hit with a bill so big it’ll make Nicolas Cage look like a financial guru.”

Officials with Department of Justice and the State of Oregon jointly confirmed late Tuesday that the Mayor of the Burgerville on SW Canyon Road, local college student Jimmy McSeamus, has been charged with 16 counts of election fraud in 9th Circuit Federal Court. According to court affidavits, the charges contend that McSeamus, who has held the Mayorship of the Beaverton, OR fast food location on Foursquare for over 6 months, illegally obtained his appointment by checking in numerous times from across the street, while walking to his day job nearby at Video Only. “We have more than enough evidence to convict McSeamus,” said Deputy District Attorney Conrad McMasters, “including GPS location data and several solid eyewitness accounts. And we intend to throw the book at him. Blagojevich may have gotten away with this one, but McSeamus is going down.” If convicted on all 16 counts, McSeamus faces up to 12 years in Federal prison, the loss of his Mayorship, and the loss of his Adventurer badge.

Sources with close ties to both companies reported Tuesday afternoon that popular social network and rising Imperial power Facebook loaned moribund content portal AOL $10 a few minutes before lunchtime earlier that day. According to the sources, who asked to remain unnamed, the $10 was promptly spent on a chicken burrito bowl with guacamole and corn salsa and a medium drink at a nearby Chipotle. The transaction has online media gossip mavens chomping at the bits. “Clearly this is Facebook’s first real foray into the content aggregation business,” said Kara Shushit of the confoundingly popular online column All Things Presumed. “Just look at it: AOL has all this content that no one sees, and Facebook has all these people that never actually see each other in person. It’s a match made in heaven.” Officials with AOL could not be reached for comment as their phones were down, but a spokesman for Facebook said, “AOL didn’t have any cash and left its ATM card at home, so we loaned it some lunch money. I really don’t see what the big deal is here.”

Self-proclaimed social media expert and panelist Lester Swindleson refused to verbally answer any of moderator Sam Speakwell’s questions during the “Media and Marketing in the Social Graph” session at the OMMA Social Media Conference last week, opting instead to live-Tweet his comments, according to several deeply irritated witnesses at the scene.  Swindleson’s Tweets, which included many references to the hash tags #stupidquestion and #socialNOOB, were reportedly intended to demonstrate his wikipedic knowledge and nonsensical commitment to the medium.  ”Really, it just made him look like a complete and total douchebag,” said one conference attendee who asked to remain anonymous.  ”I mean seriously, who came to this conference to watch this ass clown type things into his Droid Incredible?  Thank God my company didn’t actually have to pay for me to attend this conference, or they would feel like complete idiots.  Speaking of idiots, where the hell do they find these people?”

Despite national unemployment rates hovering at 20-year highs, and consumer confidence in an economic recovery rapidly waning, more stupid people are buying Smartphones than ever before, according to a report released late last week by the Center for Cellular Contradiction.  Smartphones now make up nearly 20% of all phones sold in the U.S. according to the report, a percentage that has nearly doubled over the last year, with the stylish and versatile Android and Apple phones leading the pack.  ”Yes, people have less money,” said CCC Director Telly Novales, “yet somehow more people than ever find it necessary to drop $200 – $400 on a phone purchase and take on a $100-per-month phone bill.  In many cases, people are eschewing non-discretionary purchases such as food and rent for the ability to maintain their eggplant patches in Farmville.  So while we’re seeing a society that’s irrefutably more connected and mobile, we’re seeing an equally rapid unraveling of our collective intelligence and fiscal responsibility.”

A study released late last week by the Center for Social (Media) Studies revealed that quasi-popular location-based social networking tool Foursquare is a “complete and total sausagefest.”  According to the report, the Foursquare user base has a nearly four-to-one male-to-female ratio, almost double the two-to-one male-to-female ratio required to officially proclaim a party a “sausagefest.”  ”Everyone was so hot on Foursquare, from marketing departments, to, well, marketing departments,” said lead researcher Just Czechtin.  ”But these findings totally killed the party.  After finding out that most of the people on Foursquare were just ad agency people trying to figure out how people use it, and 75% of those people were dudes, we expect most people to check out, and migrate over Sammy’s house party, where at least you have a chance at talking to some chicks.”