ColemanMedia Report

In an effort to stem the tide of recent user privacy concerns of Internet users, politicians, and privacy activist groups, popular search engine and prime GDP contributor Google filed a patent application with the US Patent Office Tuesday seeking to own the concept of privacy outright.  According to the filing, which was entered under the Accelerated Examination Program, Google seeks to rewrite the definition of privacy both on and offline to allow “any use of personal user data that maximizes revenue for Google, its subsidiaries, or its friends and family.”  ”This was an easy decision, really,” said Google co-founder and yacht-owner Sergey Brin.  ”With all the conversation and speculation over online privacy issues and where it’s going, it made sense for us to own the concept of privacy outright.  That way we control the conversation, much like how we control what 70% of people find on the Internet when they search for ‘Justin Bieber.’  Because frankly, we can’t let a totalitarian regime like China or the FCC control something as important to the citizens of the world as our profits.”

Further escalating the three-year copyright dispute between the two media stalwarts, search giant Google publicly announced late last week that they “are like rubber” and characterized adversary Viacom as “glue,” adding that “everything they do bounces off us and sticks” on Viacom.  The statement, issued late last week by Chief Playground Officer Susie Derkins, capped allegations by Google that Viacom committed the very copyright violations it accused Google of perpetuating.  ”Nuh-uh,” said an attorney from Viacom, who refused to be identified.  ”They started it.”  ”Did not,” countered Derkins. “Did too, quitsies,” said the Viacom lawyer.  ”Did not, double quitsies,” said Derkins.  ”Did too, triple quitsies, times infinity!” said the Viacom lawyer.  Judge Wormwood, presiding over the case, declined to comment on the latest accusations, saying only: “Thank God I only have five years to retirement.”

Just a week and a half after convicting three Google executives on violation of privacy charges, an Italian criminal court has convicted talk-show host and parasitic comedian Jay Leno to six years in prison for embezzlement, theft, and comedic tyranny.  The verdict, which was issued in absentia by Judge Giovanna Magiocelli, stems from Leno’s widely-publicized ousting of perennial underdog Conan O’Brien from NBC’s The Tonight Show in February.  The case has media and legal experts perplexed.  ”I realize that everyone wanted to punch Jay Leno for getting Conan fired,” said attorney Martin Venable.  ”But for the Italians to assert their jurisdiction over this one is even more confounding than NBC’s decision to move Conan to

The Center for Parental Deflection of Responsibility announced a recall of nearly 30 million babies and toddlers early Tuesday after a study released earlier in the week revealed that the babies posed a serious risk of injury to themselves.  The recall, which comes on the heels of a massive recall of Roman-style shades and blinds, affects 29.8 million children under 36 months of age born between 2002 and 2009.  According to the report, the babies’ defects make them prone to injuries, boo-boos and owwies if left unattended by their parents for more than 36 minutes, and have caused their parents to miss over 67 million hours of primetime TV and “mommy-daddy alone time.”  ”We spent years blaming every product in the household for injuries to children,” said Karen Litigowitz, president of the CPDR.  ”Until we finally figured out it was the children’s fault all along.  As for the parents, they can’t possibly be held responsible for the well-being of their own children.  Micheal Bradley Litigowitz!!!  Stop hitting your sister with that hammer or no Dexter for you tonight!!  Sorry, what was I saying?”

The United States Department of Justice has launched a sweeping investigation into advertising agency “onboarding” practices, according to Deputy Attorney General David W. Ogden.  Ogden, speaking at a press conference in Washington D.C. early Monday, characterized “onboarding,” or the practice of briefing agency team members on new client or project assignments, as “potentially exposing employees to inhumane levels of buzzwords and industry jargon.”  ”Onboarding is the single greatest threat to the ad industry that we know of,” said Ogden.  ”Well, besides the economy, of course.  It needlessly and maliciously exposes low and mid-level employees to empty and meaningless buzzwords designed to make upper and mid-level management seem smarter than they really are.  We view this as a form of torture and will prosecute those responsible to the fullest extent of the law.”