ColemanMedia Report

Precisely nothing was “kicked off” during a creative kickoff call between Rich Media vendor Eyeroller and the RC Cola team at Bertelbaum & Berkshire Tuesday afternoon, according to several witnesses at the scene.  The conference call, requested by Eyeroller Account Supervisor Stephie Meddlespoon approximately 17 minutes after the Insertion Order was signed, was reportedly planned to introduce her team, discuss campaign logistics and timelines, and get “everyone on the same page.”  ”What an absolute waste of our time,” said B&B creative director Dirk Saurbottoms.  ”This must be our 15th campaign with the same Eyeroller team.  Why to we have to schedule a frickin’ kickoff call every time we sign an IO to go over the exact same stuff we went over last time?  The only thing remotely productive about that meeting was watching Tommy lip-sync Stephie’s speech word-for-word after we put the phone on mute.”

The regular agency-client meeting schedule for the Jimmy John’s Gourmet Sandwiches team was “totally Conan O’Briened” late Monday when the client moved the weekly campaign report call from 10:00 a.m. on Tuesdays to 4:30 p.m. on Fridays, according to several witnesses at the Raleigh, NC office of the Stone Agency.  The weekly calls, scheduled to review online campaign performance and TV GRP results, was reportedly moved to achieve “efficiencies” in the client’s meeting program.  ”This is total bullshit,” said Will O’Callahan, a junior planner at the Stone Agency.  ”The Tuesday slot was perfect.  It’s after the Monday rush, so everyone’s caught up on emails, and they actually look at the numbers.  No one gives a shit on Fridays.  It’ll be like we’re talking to a dead line.  The client will already be checked out, cleaning his clubs for his Saturday tee time.”

Western Regional Sales Director Tricia McNeedy of Adnoyance left a voice message and a follow up email at approximately 11:52 a.m. Tuesday morning, checking in to make sure you had read and received the introduction email she sent approximately 28 minutes prior.  The follow-up email, which contained a forwarded copy of the original email, reminds you of her original request to set up an in-person meeting either tomorrow or Thursday and expressed concern that you have not yet replied to her original email.  According to McNeedy, it’s important that this meeting take place in the very near future, so that she may learn about your client’s goals and objectives and so you can take advantage of some exceptional pricing discounts that won’t last long. McNeedy reportedly understands your busy schedule, and promises to only take 30-40 minutes of your time.  And if you have any further questions, she is more than willing to schedule a follow-up meeting, especially next Tuesday, when her VP of Sales is in town.

A resume received by the New York office of Kirschenbaum, Bomb, Senegal & Partners claiming to have over 25 years of digital ad sales experience was questioned by Human Resources Manager Becky Wurschester early Tuesday, according to several witnesses at the scene.  The resume, tastefully printed on 80lb. Productolith Matte stock in 10-pt. Lucida Sans font, reportedly raised red flags because it claimed to have Internet ad sales experience dating back to 1985.  ”Unless you’re Al Gore, or possibly Tommy Lee Jones,” said Wurchester, “the Internet didn’t even exist back then. So how could you be selling advertising on it?  And 14+ years of Social Media experience?  Friendster isn’t even 14 yet.  And why, if you have more experience than humanly possible, would you be applying for junior account coordinator position?”

Junior Media Planner Eddie Cinch received a Holiday Card on the morning of December 17th that contained an unsolicited media proposal stuffed inside the American Stationary Season’s Greetings card, according to sources at the Los Angeles office of Leo Burnett.  The card, sent by Lee Gafferty of Knowshame Media, contained a 17-page printed presentation and  a prepared Insertion Order, along with a note from Gafferty suggesting that a “Happy and Prosperous New Year is only a signature away.”  ”You’ve got to be f-ing kidding me,” said Cinch.  ”I’ve maybe talked to this guy once on the phone, so you can imagine that I was surprised to receive a rather thick envelope from him.  I thought ‘oh, how nice of him to send me a Starbucks card,’ but no, it’s nothing but a shameless ploy to get on a media plan that’s already finalized.  These people never cease to amaze.”  According to Cinch, Gafferty followed up three times to make sure Cinch received the card.

Several grievances were aired by junior account coordinator Jimmy Chatsworth after his fourth Jack and Coke at the annual holiday party for the Des Moines office of the Thaplan Kayler Group, according to several witnesses at the scene.  Chatsworth reportedly cornered the Managing Director at the back bar at Baratta’s on South Union, and proceeded to address several issues about the regular working environment that had been plaguing him for months.  Amongst the issues discussed were the recent lack of amaretto Coffee-Mate in the break room, the flickering florescent bulb in the supply closet, and the constant disappearing act of ping-pong balls in the game room.  Chatsworth reportedly went on to suggest that Kevin in print buying should never be allowed to wear Teva sandals with socks, and that Chatsworth would make the Monday meetings much more fun than Robert.  At the time of publication, it was not confirmed if any of the issues brought by Chatsworth had been resolved.

Junior media buyer Greg Abernathy, scheduled to leave for vacation next Friday, began responding to project requests with verbal out of office replies early Monday, according to several sources at the San Francisco office of Goodbar, Silverstein & Partners.  Abernathy, who has reportedly been talking up his planned South American trip for weeks, responded verbally to a meeting request by saying “You’ve reached the desk of Greg Abernathy.  I will be out of the office on vacation starting Monday, December 21st.  If you have a project or request that requires immediate attention, please give it to someone who’s not busy getting ready for their trip to Punte del Este.”  After co-workers reminded Abernathy that he was sitting right there, Abernathy reportedly responded by saying, “I will have no access to email or phone messages, but if you leave a message, I will attempt to respond upon my return,” before going to the break room to get coffee.

The entire “Digital Holiday Bash” party for the San Francisco office of @rrogant Ideation was inadvertently cancelled late Tuesday when assistant creative director Dave Childress rejected an Outlook invitation from his 17-inch MacBook Pro.  The negative response, which cancelled the entire party due to a little-known compatibility between Outlook and iCal, reportedly angered many of Childress’s co-workers.  ”Dammit!” said Flash designer Flip Jenkins.  ”Dave’s a cool guy, and brilliant copywriter, but that kid is helpless when it comes to computers, man.  I was so looking forward to getting blitzed on Egg Nog and hitting on Janice from client services.  Now I’m gonna have to crash the Nielsen party.  Their parties are always whack.”  Childress was unavailable for comment, and rejected two Outlook requests to be interviewed for this story.

Co-workers at the Chicago office of Bogelsby, Bertelbahm, & Humperdink staged an impromptu Twittervention early Monday with traffic coordinator Danny McNeil after McNeil reportedly posted his 26th post on the popular micro blog in under an hour.  According to several of McNeil’s coworkers, the frequency and frivolousness of his posts forced them to intervene and urge McNeil to admit that he has a problem.  ”I check Twitter maybe once a week just to follow a few people, and all I get are Danny’s goddamn updates,” said co-worker Jeremy Brighton.  ”Like last week, I logged in to check out the latest from Shitmydadsays, and all I get is a play-by-play of Danny’s 12-hour Battlestar Galactica RPG session.  That show’s been off the air for like a year!”  According to witnesses, the Twittervention did not work as well as planned.  McNeil tweeted about the confrontation 17 minutes after it occurred.  Ed. Note: Senior Twitterverse Correspondent Erin Mikosz contributed to this article.

Adaptive Brand Marketing and sophisticated predictive modeling algorithms failed to foresee the paper cut suffered by Senior Media Buyer Seth Fogelberg early Tuesday while reviewing impression delivery reports, according to several witnesses at the scene.  Fogelberg, who employed the forward-thinking marketing tactics after attending a CMO round table discussion at Ad:Tech NY last week, expressed disappointment that predictive modeling hasn’t predicted much of anything.  ”I think all this ‘adaptive marketing’ fluff might just be a huge load of BS,” said Fogelberg.  ”None of this stuff has predicted what our target customers will do, how many times my client will change their minds at the last possible minute, or who’s gonna take the lead in my fantasy league this week.  They also failed to warn me about how freaking hot my coffee was this morning.  Worthless!”