ColemanMedia Report

An underperforming online media plan for Visa was successfully optimized late last week at the Chicago office of TWBA/Chiat/Day by using only “magic” soccer spray, according to several witnesses at the scene.  The plan, which had been under-delivering by 22%, and experiencing less than stellar click through rates, immediately recovered from a seemingly innocuous injury after being exposed to a short burst of the spray.  ”I’m still in shock,” said junior media planner Jared Wainsbridge. “We had tried everything: introducing new sites, renegotiating rates, and nothing.  Then Raoul from programming whips this out of his gym bag and suddenly everything’s up and running.  Ten minutes ago I would have called bullshit, but now I’m a believer.  I don’t know what’s in that stuff, but I’m spraying a little on next time we hit up O’Shea’s for Happy Hour.”  Ed. Note: Senor South American Soccer Correspondent Travis Volk contributed to this story.

Western Regional Sales Director Steven Jennings received a written response Tuesday morning to an email and two voicemails left with then junior media planner Ryan Sexton in March of 2003, according to server logs at Clickety Click Networks.  The response, sent seven years after the original correspondence began, denied Jennings’ request for a meeting to discuss Sexton’s client’s goals and objectives, but thanked him for reaching out.  Still, Jennings remains optimistic.  ”Oh this is definitely a foot in the door,” said Jennings.  ”Media planners never return calls, and when they do, it’s usually a canned response, clearly demonstrating they didn’t even read your email.  It may have taken him seven years, but Ryan actually took the time to tell me he was too busy to meet.  If that’s not a hot lead, I don’t know what is.  I’m gonna have to drop by his office with a Starbucks card or something.”

Midwest Director of Sales Marty Shiftbody of AdNausea didn’t mean to step on anybody’s toes by contacting the client directly, according to a voice message left with Junior Media Planner Jody McAckerby late Tuesday morning.  Shiftbody left the voicemail 37 seconds after the client responded to his meeting request via email – copying McAckerby – and approximately 32 minutes after first reaching out to McAckerby via email, according to server logs at the Chicago office of the Phelps Agency.  ”Is this guy serious?” asked McAckerby.  ”He emails me a half hour ago while I’m in a meeting, and he’s already complaining to the client that our agency is ‘unresponsive’ and doing them a ‘disservice by not accepting his meeting requests?’  Uh, news flash, dude.  Your passive aggressive sales schtick is right there in the forwarded email.  Now it’s my turn.  Delete.”

ExasperClick Network Director of Sales Sal Bugotini works with Joey Bonaducci, and wants to schedule a time to come in and discuss how he can get some business going with you and your agency’s clients, according to a message left in your voice mail inbox early Monday morning.  According to Bugotini, Bonaducci is a “longtime pal” and has “nothing but good things to say about you,” which reportedly makes Bugotini certain that he will work very well with you.  Multiple queries to your email, contact database, and personal memory show no record of contact or evidence of existence of Joseph Bonaducci, Sal Bugotini, or ExasperClick Network, despite the unusually friendly tone of the message.  Bugotini followed up with an email suggesting that you join him and Bonaducci later this week for some cocktails to “catch up and discuss some business.”

Junior financial analyst Nick Holder failed to issue a “not safe for work” warning to friend and print media buyer Robbie Linders when forwarding the link to the “Roller Skating Rapper” video Tuesday afternoon, according to several apologetic statements issued by Linders to his co-workers.  Linders reportedly watched the 3-minute YouTube video at his desk, which faces the entire procurement department, made mostly of 25 to 30 year-old women.  According to several witnesses, the video contained a fair amount of profanity, barely distinguishable misogynistic phrases, and brief, but unexpected male nudity. “That was not cool, man,” said Linders.  ”Not cool.  I need a little warning when some dude on roller skates is going to pull down his shorts.  Like, you know, maybe a ‘ make sure you check who’s around before watching,’ or ‘keep an eye out at 2:42.’  Now Tammy in procurement won’t even talk to me.  Not cool at all.”

Digital location-based service and annoyingly popular social media networking tool of the moment Foursquare revealed that co-worker Skip Dangley interviewed at rival agency Dimm, Wittedt & Thicke while on his lunch break Tuesday afternoon.  Dangley, a self-professed “addict” of Foursquare and acting “Mayor” of Louie’s Sub & Pub on Pico Blvd., inadvertently revealed his lunch plans when he “checked in” to the DWT Los Angeles office.  ”When Skip left, we assumed he was running out to Louie’s to grab a hoagie,” said Dangley’s direct supervisor Jed Lewis.  ”But when I saw his post on my BlackBerry that he was ‘about to unlock the Better Job Badge at another agency,’ I knew something was up.  So we went ahead and packed up all his stuff so that when he gets back to the office he can ‘check out’ of his current job that much easier.”

A report released by the Center For Pretentious Trade Jargon Monday morning revealed that LBC, the acronym for “location based services” earned the honor of becoming the 7 millionth advertising acronym to be officially accepted by the larger advertising community.  The acronym, which only recently came to fruition, is used largely to confuse and belittle those in the industry who have yet to catch on to the latest flavor of the month.  ”Acronyms are an integral part of the media and marketing world,” said Leo Burnett Chief Jargon Officer Mikeal Nakovbievokov.  ”Without them, we wouldn’t be able to trick clients into buying into high CPM ROS buys that really don’t deliver a tangible ROI.  Our B2C clients would probably see right through the GRP numbers we report on our DRTV buys, and we wouldn’t be able to charge nearly as much for our OPM services.  At the EOD, we’d be SOL.  Or OOW.”

HardSell Media Western Regional Sales Manager Charles Lamonica wants to kick things with your client into high gear, according to a voice mail and follow-up email sent Tuesday morning to Junior Account Coordinator Jordan Ringley.  Lamonica reportedly wants to “jump-start” the new year and the new quarter by “diving in headfirst” to some “6-figure-minumum” ad buys on his behaviorally targeted network.  According to the messages, sent within 16 minutes of each other, Lamonica feels strongly that if you test big, he’ll be able to deliver big.  ”Look,” said Lamonica in his phone message, “I’m through with these little tests.  Let’s turn things up and start spending some real dough.  The volume’s only at 3 kid, but this dial goes to eleven, you know what I mean?”  ”Did he really just make a Spinal Tap reference?” said Ringley.  ”I’m 24, I wasn’t even born when that movie came out.  Who buys into this crap anyway?”

Not to be outdone by Alex Bogusky’s promotion to Chief Creative Insurgent of Crispin Porter + Bogusky parent MDC Partners, Chicago-based agency Boo, Yahka & Shaw officially announced the promotion of Deputy Vice Comptroller of Keepin’ It Real Brian Sheenwicky to the newly-created position of Chief Pretentiousness Officer late Monday.  Under his new role, Sheenwicky will be in charge of creating innovative and confusing new business practice and department names to make the agency sound more cutting-edge and ahead of the curve.  ”In the new media landscape, agencies need to stop worrying about being reasonable or accountable,” said Sheenwicky.  ”It’s all about bewildering the hell out of your clients and competition with abstract concepts, half-baked assertions, and unprecedented monikers.  As long as you can appear to be one step ahead of everyone else, you’ll never have to prove your actual worth.”

Officials with the Cook County Fire Department confirmed that the search for junior media planner Jonah Mecklenberg began shortly after 10:30 a.m. Tuesday morning after the 25-year-old man was reported missing during a “deep dive” into campaign performance data.  According to several witnesses at the River North office of Boo, Yahka, & Shaw, Mecklenberg was last seen at around 9:30 a.m. speaking with Rick Buzzworthy, his direct supervisor, who reportedly asked the young man to “deep dive” into the data to get “to the bottom” of the correct performance attribution metrics.  ”We are very concerned for Mr. Mecklenberg,” said CCFD spokesman Karl Bievlowski.  ”Apparently Mecklenberg started at a ‘high level,’ trying to take in a ’10,000-foot view.’  Whenever someone starts up that high in the Bullshit Bingo scale, and falls all the way into a ‘deep dive,’ they place themselves at serious risk.  But we hope to have him back shortly so he can ‘circle back’ and ‘onboard’ the rest of the team.”