ColemanMedia Report

Twenty-six-year-old junior programmer Gary Wallace confirmed early Monday morning that the ‘Censored’ link on Craig’s List’s local Los Angeles Web site was not working properly, according to several co-workers at the Torrance office of Mediamind Over Matter. Wallace reportedly made several attempts to visit the new section at his home computer from approximately 12:30 to 2:30 a.m. Monday morning, including VPN and asymmetric backdoor queries, all unsuccessful. Attempts from the office later the same morning were also unsuccessful, according to art director Sandi Gustafson, who reportedly witnessed Wallace’s frustration in not being granted access. “Awesome,” said Gustafson. “I wonder if Gary realizes he’s trying to access the [recently closed] ‘adult services’ section from an office computer. I guess I could tell him, but it’ll waaay be more fun if HR catches him first. I mean, the first day back from Labor Day is always kind of boring. This might wake me up better than that 3rd cup of coffee.”

A follow-up email from ExactoClick Director of Southwest Sales Simon Dippshitz was received by the Outlook inbox of Media Director Gail Saintworthy at approximately 11:42 a.m. on Labor Day Monday, according to mail server logs at the Santa Monica offices of Butler, Shine, and Daniel Stern. The email, which inquired if Saintworthy had had a chance to review the unsolicited proposal sent at 4:52 p.m. the previous Friday, was the only non-automated email to arrive during the ubiquitously observed holiday. According to Saintworthy, who reviewed the email Tuesday morning, the email also inquired about her availability Monday afternoon to go over any questions she might have about the proposal. “Really?!” exclaimed Saintworthy. “Does it ever stop? Don’t people realize that media planners have a job to do? I mean we don’t just sit around waiting for sales people to send us half-baked ideas that we’re supposed to act on “right away.’ We have clients for that.”

Capitalizing on one of the most buzzed-about social media trends of 2010, junior media planner Wally Wasserman has been crowd sourcing his client campaign performance reports since early May, according to several witnesses in the San Francisco office of Foote, Cone, and Mr. Belding.  The reports, which track delivery and performance of an online media buy for Nabiso’s Double Stuff Oreo brand, are reportedly farmed out to and compiled by a unanimous group of non-professional bloggers, Wikipedia moderators, and unemployed hairstylists, then presented to the client by Wasserman.  ”Ever since I saw Jeff Howe speak about crowd sourcing, I knew it was for me,” said Wassersman.  ”Since I started, our performance has gone through the roof.  Our click through rates are 16.2%, every site is over-delivering by 200%, and our share of voice is over 1,100%.  The client couldn’t be happier.  Eh, who am I kidding?  The client hasn’t paid attention to one of our report calls for at least 12 months.  At least I have more time to plan my fantasy football draft.”

Absolutely nothing was learned at a 2-hour “Lunch & Learn” Monday afternoon at the Chicago office of Foote, Cone, & Mr. Belding, according to several witnesses at the scene.  The meeting, hosted by Timothy Nesslebaum of AdNauseum and designed to educate the media planners on AdNauseum’s proprietary targeting technologies on their exclusive social mobile video platform, reportedly digressed into a free-for-all on the array of food brought in from Singha Thai on Clark Street.  ”I have no idea what the dude was talking about,” said junior media planner Jake Frealoder, “but the shu mai were absolutely amazing.  And normally I’m not a big fan of yellow curries, but damn.  I must have gone back three times.  By the middle of the meeting, I was already in a food coma.”  When asked about the content of the 104-minute presentation, Frealoder said “wait, who’s AdNauseum?”

An underperforming online media plan for Visa was successfully optimized late last week at the Chicago office of TWBA/Chiat/Day by using only “magic” soccer spray, according to several witnesses at the scene.  The plan, which had been under-delivering by 22%, and experiencing less than stellar click through rates, immediately recovered from a seemingly innocuous injury after being exposed to a short burst of the spray.  ”I’m still in shock,” said junior media planner Jared Wainsbridge. “We had tried everything: introducing new sites, renegotiating rates, and nothing.  Then Raoul from programming whips this out of his gym bag and suddenly everything’s up and running.  Ten minutes ago I would have called bullshit, but now I’m a believer.  I don’t know what’s in that stuff, but I’m spraying a little on next time we hit up O’Shea’s for Happy Hour.”  Ed. Note: Senor South American Soccer Correspondent Travis Volk contributed to this story.

Western Regional Sales Director Steven Jennings received a written response Tuesday morning to an email and two voicemails left with then junior media planner Ryan Sexton in March of 2003, according to server logs at Clickety Click Networks.  The response, sent seven years after the original correspondence began, denied Jennings’ request for a meeting to discuss Sexton’s client’s goals and objectives, but thanked him for reaching out.  Still, Jennings remains optimistic.  ”Oh this is definitely a foot in the door,” said Jennings.  ”Media planners never return calls, and when they do, it’s usually a canned response, clearly demonstrating they didn’t even read your email.  It may have taken him seven years, but Ryan actually took the time to tell me he was too busy to meet.  If that’s not a hot lead, I don’t know what is.  I’m gonna have to drop by his office with a Starbucks card or something.”

Midwest Director of Sales Marty Shiftbody of AdNausea didn’t mean to step on anybody’s toes by contacting the client directly, according to a voice message left with Junior Media Planner Jody McAckerby late Tuesday morning.  Shiftbody left the voicemail 37 seconds after the client responded to his meeting request via email – copying McAckerby – and approximately 32 minutes after first reaching out to McAckerby via email, according to server logs at the Chicago office of the Phelps Agency.  ”Is this guy serious?” asked McAckerby.  ”He emails me a half hour ago while I’m in a meeting, and he’s already complaining to the client that our agency is ‘unresponsive’ and doing them a ‘disservice by not accepting his meeting requests?’  Uh, news flash, dude.  Your passive aggressive sales schtick is right there in the forwarded email.  Now it’s my turn.  Delete.”

ExasperClick Network Director of Sales Sal Bugotini works with Joey Bonaducci, and wants to schedule a time to come in and discuss how he can get some business going with you and your agency’s clients, according to a message left in your voice mail inbox early Monday morning.  According to Bugotini, Bonaducci is a “longtime pal” and has “nothing but good things to say about you,” which reportedly makes Bugotini certain that he will work very well with you.  Multiple queries to your email, contact database, and personal memory show no record of contact or evidence of existence of Joseph Bonaducci, Sal Bugotini, or ExasperClick Network, despite the unusually friendly tone of the message.  Bugotini followed up with an email suggesting that you join him and Bonaducci later this week for some cocktails to “catch up and discuss some business.”

Junior financial analyst Nick Holder failed to issue a “not safe for work” warning to friend and print media buyer Robbie Linders when forwarding the link to the “Roller Skating Rapper” video Tuesday afternoon, according to several apologetic statements issued by Linders to his co-workers.  Linders reportedly watched the 3-minute YouTube video at his desk, which faces the entire procurement department, made mostly of 25 to 30 year-old women.  According to several witnesses, the video contained a fair amount of profanity, barely distinguishable misogynistic phrases, and brief, but unexpected male nudity. “That was not cool, man,” said Linders.  ”Not cool.  I need a little warning when some dude on roller skates is going to pull down his shorts.  Like, you know, maybe a ‘ make sure you check who’s around before watching,’ or ‘keep an eye out at 2:42.’  Now Tammy in procurement won’t even talk to me.  Not cool at all.”

Digital location-based service and annoyingly popular social media networking tool of the moment Foursquare revealed that co-worker Skip Dangley interviewed at rival agency Dimm, Wittedt & Thicke while on his lunch break Tuesday afternoon.  Dangley, a self-professed “addict” of Foursquare and acting “Mayor” of Louie’s Sub & Pub on Pico Blvd., inadvertently revealed his lunch plans when he “checked in” to the DWT Los Angeles office.  ”When Skip left, we assumed he was running out to Louie’s to grab a hoagie,” said Dangley’s direct supervisor Jed Lewis.  ”But when I saw his post on my BlackBerry that he was ‘about to unlock the Better Job Badge at another agency,’ I knew something was up.  So we went ahead and packed up all his stuff so that when he gets back to the office he can ‘check out’ of his current job that much easier.”