ColemanMedia Report

The out of office auto-responder of Director of Southwest Sales Chase Atkinson sent an email message to Junior Media Planner Jared Kleinsmith early Monday afternoon, just minutes after Kleinsmith reportedly replied to Atkinson’s meeting request earlier that morning. According to email server logs at Ogilvy & Lather, Atkinson sent a message with the subject line of “Happy New Year” at 8:43 a.m., which Kleinsmith replied to just after 1:15 p.m. Two minutes and 12 seconds later, a message with the subject line “Out of Office” was received by Kleinsmith. “Really?” said Kleinsmith. “It’s annoying enough that people send emails the very first second I get to the office after a holiday. But when they don’t even know how to turn their auto-responder off, it makes me want to punch someone. My eight-year-old brother could program that to turn off at 9:00 a.m. How does this guy still have a job?”

Seven data miners rescued after eight grueling hours of being trapped in non-operational meta data were greeted with a decidedly lukewarm reception on the 14th floor offices of Foote, Cone & Mr. Belding early Monday evening, according to several witnesses at the scene. The miners, all employees of FCB, were released just after 5:37 p.m. to a crowd of 6-8 co-workers, who had gathered nearby to watch an Antoine Dodson video. “This is the greatest moment of my life,” said Garrett Knowbody, one of the last miners to be pulled from the data, to a crowd of disinterested co-workers. “After 2:30, we thought we were goners for sure. I feel like we couldn’t have made it out without the tireless support of all of you out there. But frankly, I thought you’d be more excited to see us. I mean, we’re not Chilean, but we do make a positive contribution to the company.” Immediately after Knowbody’s statement, witness reported hearing Alexis from Account Services say: “Did one of those data guys just say something? Eww. Omigod, this part is so funny!”

Junior Media Planner Jesse Atwater has grown increasingly annoyed with the now common use of the term “new normal,” according to several co-workers at the Chicago office of Foote, Cone, & Mr. Belding. The term, often used to describe potentially permanent changes in behavior due to recent economic conditions, reportedly exasperates Atwater “to the bone.” “If I hear someone say that social couponing or flat budgets are the ‘new normal’ again, I’m gonna lose it,” said Atwater. “Yes, I know people – and clients – are keeping more of a watchful eye over their finances, but for the love of God, please stop calling it the ‘new normal.’ People change. It’s this thing called life. And we had just gotten over everyone saying that something is the ‘new black.’ Why do we have to replace it with something that’s 10 times more annoying and pretentious?”

An email sent to Junior Media Planner Julia Levinworth Tuesday morning by Western Region Sales Director Saul Silver, expressing wishes that the email would “find [her] well,” actually found Levinworth doing well, according to eyewitnesses at the scene. The 26-year-old planner was reportedly in very good spirits around the time server logs indicate that she opened the message. “It was kind of weird,” said Levinworth. “Usually, lines like that in a sales email tend to make me roll my eyes, because I know it’s there just to butter you up for the sales pitch. But for some reason I was in a really great mood on Tuesday. I don’t know, maybe there was something in the coffee or something. I have no clue what he was trying to sell, but it was very sweet of him to wish me well. I almost felt bad deleting it instead of taking the time to reply.”

A study released late last week by the Center for Population Growth in Advertising revealed that as a group, online ad sales representatives now represent the 4th largest country in the world, surpassed only by China, India, and ubiquitous social network Facebook. According to the study, online ad sales representatives, who have achieved explosive growth over the last 12 months, now outnumber the total population of the United States, Canada, and Portugal combined. “The numbers are unprecedented,” said lead researcher Petros Pythagorean. “By our best estimates, there are over 522 million ad sales reps currently calling on media buyers in the US, generating just over 7 billion calls and emails to agencies every week. Compare that to just 12 months ago, when there were only 1,400.” What’s behind the sudden growth? “We credit recent news about a potential recovery of the advertising industry,” said Pythagorean. “Oh, that and the 600,000 new mobile and social media companies that have been founded in the last 12 weeks.”

A 10-minute media satisfaction survey taken Monday by Senior Media Director Rick Arbaugh lasted nearly sixteen hours, according to several witnesses in the Los Angeles office of media giant OMG. The survey, commissioned by popular video site YouStream.com, reportedly trapped Arbaugh for 15 hours and 48 minutes with a promise of a “10-minute” survey, only to reveal 846 questions, many of which required a minimum 250-word essay answer. “It was so misleading,” said Arbaugh, who suffered from acute dehydration after completing the survey, according to paramedics who treated him at the scene. “After each question, it said ‘You’re almost done! Just a few more questions!’ Here I was thinking I was doing them a favor by offering some valuable feedback in exchange for a little bit of my time. Now I’m 12 pounds lighter, I missed my kid’s DJ Hero recital, and I have to carry around an I.V. for three days. Never again, man. Never again.”

Twenty-six-year-old junior programmer Gary Wallace confirmed early Monday morning that the ‘Censored’ link on Craig’s List’s local Los Angeles Web site was not working properly, according to several co-workers at the Torrance office of Mediamind Over Matter. Wallace reportedly made several attempts to visit the new section at his home computer from approximately 12:30 to 2:30 a.m. Monday morning, including VPN and asymmetric backdoor queries, all unsuccessful. Attempts from the office later the same morning were also unsuccessful, according to art director Sandi Gustafson, who reportedly witnessed Wallace’s frustration in not being granted access. “Awesome,” said Gustafson. “I wonder if Gary realizes he’s trying to access the [recently closed] ‘adult services’ section from an office computer. I guess I could tell him, but it’ll waaay be more fun if HR catches him first. I mean, the first day back from Labor Day is always kind of boring. This might wake me up better than that 3rd cup of coffee.”

A follow-up email from ExactoClick Director of Southwest Sales Simon Dippshitz was received by the Outlook inbox of Media Director Gail Saintworthy at approximately 11:42 a.m. on Labor Day Monday, according to mail server logs at the Santa Monica offices of Butler, Shine, and Daniel Stern. The email, which inquired if Saintworthy had had a chance to review the unsolicited proposal sent at 4:52 p.m. the previous Friday, was the only non-automated email to arrive during the ubiquitously observed holiday. According to Saintworthy, who reviewed the email Tuesday morning, the email also inquired about her availability Monday afternoon to go over any questions she might have about the proposal. “Really?!” exclaimed Saintworthy. “Does it ever stop? Don’t people realize that media planners have a job to do? I mean we don’t just sit around waiting for sales people to send us half-baked ideas that we’re supposed to act on “right away.’ We have clients for that.”

Capitalizing on one of the most buzzed-about social media trends of 2010, junior media planner Wally Wasserman has been crowd sourcing his client campaign performance reports since early May, according to several witnesses in the San Francisco office of Foote, Cone, and Mr. Belding.  The reports, which track delivery and performance of an online media buy for Nabiso’s Double Stuff Oreo brand, are reportedly farmed out to and compiled by a unanimous group of non-professional bloggers, Wikipedia moderators, and unemployed hairstylists, then presented to the client by Wasserman.  ”Ever since I saw Jeff Howe speak about crowd sourcing, I knew it was for me,” said Wassersman.  ”Since I started, our performance has gone through the roof.  Our click through rates are 16.2%, every site is over-delivering by 200%, and our share of voice is over 1,100%.  The client couldn’t be happier.  Eh, who am I kidding?  The client hasn’t paid attention to one of our report calls for at least 12 months.  At least I have more time to plan my fantasy football draft.”

Absolutely nothing was learned at a 2-hour “Lunch & Learn” Monday afternoon at the Chicago office of Foote, Cone, & Mr. Belding, according to several witnesses at the scene.  The meeting, hosted by Timothy Nesslebaum of AdNauseum and designed to educate the media planners on AdNauseum’s proprietary targeting technologies on their exclusive social mobile video platform, reportedly digressed into a free-for-all on the array of food brought in from Singha Thai on Clark Street.  ”I have no idea what the dude was talking about,” said junior media planner Jake Frealoder, “but the shu mai were absolutely amazing.  And normally I’m not a big fan of yellow curries, but damn.  I must have gone back three times.  By the middle of the meeting, I was already in a food coma.”  When asked about the content of the 104-minute presentation, Frealoder said “wait, who’s AdNauseum?”