ColemanMedia Report

The sudden and seemingly inexplicable deaths of thousands of birds over Arkansas and Louisiana over the last two days was revealed early this morning to be an organized protest by the Audobon Society against the annoyingly popular mobile game Angry Birds. The deaths, which occurred over Bette, AK and Pointe Coupee Parish, LA, and have religious zealots praying for salvation, were the Audobon Society’s not-so-subtle plea for people to stop playing the addicting game by Rovio on their iPhone and Android handsets. “Normally we don’t harm the animals we’re sworn to protect,” said Reginald Abernathy, Director for the Audobon Society, “but this has gotten out of control. Mothers are playing it instead of watching their kids, employees are playing it instead of working, and yesterday, I caught my 12-year-old son playing it in the shower. I don’t care how many birds we have to sacrifice. People need to stop playing this, and now. Wait, did you just get the 16th Golden Egg? I’ve been trying to do that for weeks!”

Just hours after Goldman Sachs’ highly-publicized $450 million investment in Facebook, investment firm and credit rating agency Booty’s released a brief valuing the ubiquitous social network at “one million trillion dollars,” nearly 67 thousand times the current GDP of the United States. Juergen Riesling, chief analyst for Booty’s, justified the valuation based on Facebook’s recent usurping of Google and the 405 freeway in Los Angeles as the most trafficked site in the world. “To be perfectly honest, we just threw that number out there to see if people would buy it,” said Riesling about the valuation. “It was a bet between me and Clyde, and he won. So if you’re the proud owner of any of those privately traded shares, um, now might be a good time to think about shorting them. Or not, if you don’t mind taking a rather expensive bubble bath. I’m off to buy the first of twelve lunches for Clyde.”

The out of office auto-responder of Director of Southwest Sales Chase Atkinson sent an email message to Junior Media Planner Jared Kleinsmith early Monday afternoon, just minutes after Kleinsmith reportedly replied to Atkinson’s meeting request earlier that morning. According to email server logs at Ogilvy & Lather, Atkinson sent a message with the subject line of “Happy New Year” at 8:43 a.m., which Kleinsmith replied to just after 1:15 p.m. Two minutes and 12 seconds later, a message with the subject line “Out of Office” was received by Kleinsmith. “Really?” said Kleinsmith. “It’s annoying enough that people send emails the very first second I get to the office after a holiday. But when they don’t even know how to turn their auto-responder off, it makes me want to punch someone. My eight-year-old brother could program that to turn off at 9:00 a.m. How does this guy still have a job?”

Seven data miners rescued after eight grueling hours of being trapped in non-operational meta data were greeted with a decidedly lukewarm reception on the 14th floor offices of Foote, Cone & Mr. Belding early Monday evening, according to several witnesses at the scene. The miners, all employees of FCB, were released just after 5:37 p.m. to a crowd of 6-8 co-workers, who had gathered nearby to watch an Antoine Dodson video. “This is the greatest moment of my life,” said Garrett Knowbody, one of the last miners to be pulled from the data, to a crowd of disinterested co-workers. “After 2:30, we thought we were goners for sure. I feel like we couldn’t have made it out without the tireless support of all of you out there. But frankly, I thought you’d be more excited to see us. I mean, we’re not Chilean, but we do make a positive contribution to the company.” Immediately after Knowbody’s statement, witness reported hearing Alexis from Account Services say: “Did one of those data guys just say something? Eww. Omigod, this part is so funny!”