ColemanMedia Report

Erstwhile online social network and stalking ground MySpace quietly announced a complete re-launch last week, according to the six reporters that attended a press conference led by CEO Mike Jones. The forgotten social network reportedly re-tooled itself to be an entertainment portal where users can find and consume music, video, and gossip, prompting many media pundits to say: “wait, MySpace is still around?” “No f*cking way!” said Jamichael Carrington of popular online blog TechCrunchBerries. “MySpace is still in business? I wonder if I still have a profile over there. I don’t even know how I’d check, though. I mean, I have no clue what my user name was. Wow, this is far out!” In a related story, a 122-year-old Coast Redwood tree fell in a remote area just south of Spring Lake in Sequoia National Park, according to the National Audobon Society. The exact time of the fall is not known.

Junior Media Planner Jesse Atwater has grown increasingly annoyed with the now common use of the term “new normal,” according to several co-workers at the Chicago office of Foote, Cone, & Mr. Belding. The term, often used to describe potentially permanent changes in behavior due to recent economic conditions, reportedly exasperates Atwater “to the bone.” “If I hear someone say that social couponing or flat budgets are the ‘new normal’ again, I’m gonna lose it,” said Atwater. “Yes, I know people – and clients – are keeping more of a watchful eye over their finances, but for the love of God, please stop calling it the ‘new normal.’ People change. It’s this thing called life. And we had just gotten over everyone saying that something is the ‘new black.’ Why do we have to replace it with something that’s 10 times more annoying and pretentious?”

Non-partisan group Pew Center of American Life reported Wednesday morning that electronics manufacturer and unavoidable tastemaker Apple Computers spent nearly $1.4 billion on attack ads criticizing rival Adobe’s Flash technology in the weeks leading up to the November 2nd midterm election. The ads, which ran in popular broadcast TV, print and online outlets, portrayed Flash for being “anti-open development,” “weak on security,” and “beholden to the same policies that got us in this mess.” “Flash is stuck in the past,” said Apple political spokesman Chet Michaels, “in a world of PCs and mice. FACT. We can’t afford to let their policies of proprietary source code, security flaws, and battery-draining requirements drag us deeper into the hole they’ve already dug for us. It’s time get someone new in your phone, who’s not part of the old guard. And who, frankly, helps us sell more phones.”

An email sent to Junior Media Planner Julia Levinworth Tuesday morning by Western Region Sales Director Saul Silver, expressing wishes that the email would “find [her] well,” actually found Levinworth doing well, according to eyewitnesses at the scene. The 26-year-old planner was reportedly in very good spirits around the time server logs indicate that she opened the message. “It was kind of weird,” said Levinworth. “Usually, lines like that in a sales email tend to make me roll my eyes, because I know it’s there just to butter you up for the sales pitch. But for some reason I was in a really great mood on Tuesday. I don’t know, maybe there was something in the coffee or something. I have no clue what he was trying to sell, but it was very sweet of him to wish me well. I almost felt bad deleting it instead of taking the time to reply.”