ColemanMedia Report

Twenty-six year-old tattoo artist Ramon Ramirez was injured by a “laser-targeted” display ad late Monday evening while surfing the “kind of played out but still useful” music video site Pitchfork.com.  The ad, served by behavioral targeting network ExactoClick, reportedly shot actual laser beams from the Duarte resident’s computer screen, burning the skin on his neck and causing damage to his heather gray cardigan.  The news took media planners from the agency responsible for the media buy by surprise.  “When our rep from ExactoClick said they used ‘laser targeting,’ we thought it was just a really cheesy name for behavioral targeting” said Sarah Shag, a planner on the team.  “We had no idea they would shoot actual lasers and cause harm to people.  Honestly, we were just trying to target users who had searched for Indie music and high fashion sneakers.  We had no idea cookieing people could be this dangerous.”

In an effort to comply with FDA guidelines and increasing consumer expectations of more healthy menu options from fast food restaurants, quick serve behemoth and arch nemesis of cardiologists worldwide McDonald’s announced late Monday that it will label its storied Big Mac burger as “healthy” on the menu boards of its 14,000+ US restaurants.  The move, which has dieticians and most people with a 3rd grade or higher education angry and confused, was defended by a spokesperson as simply “giving the people what they want.”  ”Look, the American people have spoken,” said McDonald’s chief nutritionist Ronald von Fraudenstein.  ”And they want more healthy options.  Well, the Big Mac is healthly, relatively speaking.  For example, our studies show it’s 62% less likely to cause cancer than a diet consisting wholly of spent uranium rods, and 28% less likely to kill you than a mid-sized crossover vehicle traveling 45 miles per hour.  So we feel very comfortable taking this claim to market.”