ColemanMedia Report

Just hours after Wired Magazine made its now infamous proclamation – made in part on their Web site – officials with the Los Angeles County Coroner’s Office confirmed that the Internet died sometime before noon last Tuesday, leaving nearly 2 million online marketers, webmasters, designers and programmers out of a job, according to the U.S. Department of Labor. The death, officially caused by acute disbelief according to the Coroner’s report, has economists and media watchdogs in a near state of panic. “This is the worst news we’ve ever heard,” said Tommy Gnoasital of popular online news site Mashed. “Usually these kinds of self-serving, nonsensical predictions are just that: bullshit predictions. I mean, how long have people been claiming that ‘TV is dead,’ or that ‘newspapers are dead,’ or that ‘MySpace is dead?’ What’s next? Smartphones? Porn? I better go change my passwords.” When asked about where the information for the prediction came from, an editor at Wired said only: “You see that money you’re carrying around in your pocket? It’s worthless. The whole concept of money will cease to exist by January.”

Looking to cash in on the skyrocketing social media marketing budgets and shore up shrinking revenues, the States of California and New York separately announced that they will begin taxing marketers’ “earned media” throughout the social Web. Under the new statutes, which take effect January 1, California will levy a $15 tax for every positive Facebook comment, $17 for every blog post, and $22 for every viral video view relating to a Brand or corporation operating out of the state. New York will levy similar fees. “Everyone keeps talking about how earned media is far more valuable than paid media,” said California State Controller John Chiang, “so we’ve decided to treat it as an asset. And tax the hell out of it. If companies want to engage in viral marketing tactics, they’re going to have to pay the piper. And that piper is me. You know that sexy, saucy Old Spice guy? Come January 1st, he’s gonna get hit with a bill so big it’ll make Nicolas Cage look like a financial guru.”

Officials with Department of Justice and the State of Oregon jointly confirmed late Tuesday that the Mayor of the Burgerville on SW Canyon Road, local college student Jimmy McSeamus, has been charged with 16 counts of election fraud in 9th Circuit Federal Court. According to court affidavits, the charges contend that McSeamus, who has held the Mayorship of the Beaverton, OR fast food location on Foursquare for over 6 months, illegally obtained his appointment by checking in numerous times from across the street, while walking to his day job nearby at Video Only. “We have more than enough evidence to convict McSeamus,” said Deputy District Attorney Conrad McMasters, “including GPS location data and several solid eyewitness accounts. And we intend to throw the book at him. Blagojevich may have gotten away with this one, but McSeamus is going down.” If convicted on all 16 counts, McSeamus faces up to 12 years in Federal prison, the loss of his Mayorship, and the loss of his Adventurer badge.

Capitalizing on one of the most buzzed-about social media trends of 2010, junior media planner Wally Wasserman has been crowd sourcing his client campaign performance reports since early May, according to several witnesses in the San Francisco office of Foote, Cone, and Mr. Belding.  The reports, which track delivery and performance of an online media buy for Nabiso’s Double Stuff Oreo brand, are reportedly farmed out to and compiled by a unanimous group of non-professional bloggers, Wikipedia moderators, and unemployed hairstylists, then presented to the client by Wasserman.  ”Ever since I saw Jeff Howe speak about crowd sourcing, I knew it was for me,” said Wassersman.  ”Since I started, our performance has gone through the roof.  Our click through rates are 16.2%, every site is over-delivering by 200%, and our share of voice is over 1,100%.  The client couldn’t be happier.  Eh, who am I kidding?  The client hasn’t paid attention to one of our report calls for at least 12 months.  At least I have more time to plan my fantasy football draft.”