ColemanMedia Report

Online media behemoth Google announced Monday that it has inked rapper and self-professed True Blood fan Snoop Dogg as the official spokesperson for YouTube’s new “Leanback” user interface.  The interface, which uses a simplified user interface and larger video display area that some speculate is designed for use on TV’s, was a perfect fit for Snoop, according to Suzie Reider, CMO at YouTube.  “Snoop encapsulates everything that Leanback is about,” said Reider.  “He has a laid back attitude, bad posture, and a slowed speech pattern.  Plus he has his mind on his money and his money on his mind.  We agree wholeheartedly with that philosophy, as this product is designed to take as much money as humanly possible from our advertisers.”  While the amount Snoop will be paid for the role was not released, a spokesperson for the rapper confirmed that “now his homies can have some.”

The Center for Corporate Posturing revealed Tuesday morning that the most pretentious job title in the recorded history of American business was created early last week, with the announcement that Seventh Generation’s Jeffrery Hollender was promoted to Chief Inspired Protagonist.  The watchdog group, which monitors bullshit business naming conventions, said that the title scored a 99.4 on their patented Pretense Scale, beating the closest contenders by more than 20 points.  ”We see a lot of ridiculous titles,” said CCP President Nathaniel Wilbur, “like Chief Ideation Officer or Deputy Vice Comptroller of Keepin’ It Real, but this one made me throw up in my mouth a little.  Taken literally, his job description would be to play the lead character in a work of fiction.  So technically his job doesn’t even exist.  It’s not even real.  I have now completely lost all faith in business standards and practices.”  Ed. Note: While we wish we had made this title up, unfortunately we did not.

Absolutely nothing was learned at a 2-hour “Lunch & Learn” Monday afternoon at the Chicago office of Foote, Cone, & Mr. Belding, according to several witnesses at the scene.  The meeting, hosted by Timothy Nesslebaum of AdNauseum and designed to educate the media planners on AdNauseum’s proprietary targeting technologies on their exclusive social mobile video platform, reportedly digressed into a free-for-all on the array of food brought in from Singha Thai on Clark Street.  ”I have no idea what the dude was talking about,” said junior media planner Jake Frealoder, “but the shu mai were absolutely amazing.  And normally I’m not a big fan of yellow curries, but damn.  I must have gone back three times.  By the middle of the meeting, I was already in a food coma.”  When asked about the content of the 104-minute presentation, Frealoder said “wait, who’s AdNauseum?”

A report released late Monday by the Center for Media Prognostication predicts that as early as 2014, the common toothbrush could be the second or third-largest new media channel in the United States.  Citing the exponential acceptance of mobile advertising by marketers, and the proliferation of manual and electronic toothbrushes, senior media analyst Fred D. Loosienelle predicts that “it’s only a matter of time” before toothbrushes become the coveted “5th Screen,” outpacing radio and print ads.  ”I mean think about it,” said Loosienelle.  ”Everybody has one.  Most people are medium to heavy users, spending 3-10 minutes each day with the device.  People take them with them when they travel.  They’ve become an essential part of people’s lives.  It doesn’t make sense not to serve advertising on them.  Kindles?  Pssssh!  iPads?  Yeah right.  Toothbrushes are going to be the next big thing, you watch.”  Ed. Note: Senior Hygiene Correspondent Mike Ranshaw contributed to this article.