ColemanMedia Report

Online media behemoth Google announced Monday that it has inked rapper and self-professed True Blood fan Snoop Dogg as the official spokesperson for YouTube’s new “Leanback” user interface.  The interface, which uses a simplified user interface and larger video display area that some speculate is designed for use on TV’s, was a perfect fit for Snoop, according to Suzie Reider, CMO at YouTube.  “Snoop encapsulates everything that Leanback is about,” said Reider.  “He has a laid back attitude, bad posture, and a slowed speech pattern.  Plus he has his mind on his money and his money on his mind.  We agree wholeheartedly with that philosophy, as this product is designed to take as much money as humanly possible from our advertisers.”  While the amount Snoop will be paid for the role was not released, a spokesperson for the rapper confirmed that “now his homies can have some.”

The Center for Corporate Posturing revealed Tuesday morning that the most pretentious job title in the recorded history of American business was created early last week, with the announcement that Seventh Generation’s Jeffrery Hollender was promoted to Chief Inspired Protagonist.  The watchdog group, which monitors bullshit business naming conventions, said that the title scored a 99.4 on their patented Pretense Scale, beating the closest contenders by more than 20 points.  ”We see a lot of ridiculous titles,” said CCP President Nathaniel Wilbur, “like Chief Ideation Officer or Deputy Vice Comptroller of Keepin’ It Real, but this one made me throw up in my mouth a little.  Taken literally, his job description would be to play the lead character in a work of fiction.  So technically his job doesn’t even exist.  It’s not even real.  I have now completely lost all faith in business standards and practices.”  Ed. Note: While we wish we had made this title up, unfortunately we did not.

Absolutely nothing was learned at a 2-hour “Lunch & Learn” Monday afternoon at the Chicago office of Foote, Cone, & Mr. Belding, according to several witnesses at the scene.  The meeting, hosted by Timothy Nesslebaum of AdNauseum and designed to educate the media planners on AdNauseum’s proprietary targeting technologies on their exclusive social mobile video platform, reportedly digressed into a free-for-all on the array of food brought in from Singha Thai on Clark Street.  ”I have no idea what the dude was talking about,” said junior media planner Jake Frealoder, “but the shu mai were absolutely amazing.  And normally I’m not a big fan of yellow curries, but damn.  I must have gone back three times.  By the middle of the meeting, I was already in a food coma.”  When asked about the content of the 104-minute presentation, Frealoder said “wait, who’s AdNauseum?”

A report released late Monday by the Center for Media Prognostication predicts that as early as 2014, the common toothbrush could be the second or third-largest new media channel in the United States.  Citing the exponential acceptance of mobile advertising by marketers, and the proliferation of manual and electronic toothbrushes, senior media analyst Fred D. Loosienelle predicts that “it’s only a matter of time” before toothbrushes become the coveted “5th Screen,” outpacing radio and print ads.  ”I mean think about it,” said Loosienelle.  ”Everybody has one.  Most people are medium to heavy users, spending 3-10 minutes each day with the device.  People take them with them when they travel.  They’ve become an essential part of people’s lives.  It doesn’t make sense not to serve advertising on them.  Kindles?  Pssssh!  iPads?  Yeah right.  Toothbrushes are going to be the next big thing, you watch.”  Ed. Note: Senior Hygiene Correspondent Mike Ranshaw contributed to this article.

In yet another tough break for device-challenged Microsoft, reports surfaced early Tuesday morning that only six weeks after launching it, the software giant dropped its Kin “social” phone Monday evening, cracking the screen and rendering the device useless. According to witnesses at the scene, Microsoft dropped the non-smartphone – only one of seven sold in the United States – on Carol’s kitchen floor while at a Windows 7 Launch Party, sending plastic and glass pieces scattering across Carol’s kitchen.  ”We’re devastated,” said a representative from Microsoft.  ”All of our friend’s phone numbers were on that phone, so now we have to Facebook everyone and ask for them again.  We’re kicking ourselves for not getting the insurance.  Oh well, at least I can put out a “missed connections” ad on Craig’s List and get the number of that cute girl at Carol’s party again.”

In an effort to treat his increasingly obvious addiction to broadcasting the mundane details of his life, part time Starbucks barista and full-time social media maven Rodney Pinkleberry checked in to Social Media Rehab through Foursquare Monday afternoon, according to his Foursqure, Gowalla, Facebook and Twitter feeds.  Pinkleberry admitted himself to a Santa Monica, CA facility at his own will, after finally realizing that he has a problem.  ”It didn’t really dawn on me until I ousted PickleD36 as the Mayor of 2nd handicap parking spot at Trader Joe’s in WeHo,” said Pinkleberry.  ”I had my Adventurer badge, my Explorer badge, but I knew things were getting bad when I earned my Overshare badge.  I mean, people stopped responding to my updates.  So I checked in to Rehab.  Where it’s gonna take me forever to oust LindsayL as Mayor.”

An underperforming online media plan for Visa was successfully optimized late last week at the Chicago office of TWBA/Chiat/Day by using only “magic” soccer spray, according to several witnesses at the scene.  The plan, which had been under-delivering by 22%, and experiencing less than stellar click through rates, immediately recovered from a seemingly innocuous injury after being exposed to a short burst of the spray.  ”I’m still in shock,” said junior media planner Jared Wainsbridge. “We had tried everything: introducing new sites, renegotiating rates, and nothing.  Then Raoul from programming whips this out of his gym bag and suddenly everything’s up and running.  Ten minutes ago I would have called bullshit, but now I’m a believer.  I don’t know what’s in that stuff, but I’m spraying a little on next time we hit up O’Shea’s for Happy Hour.”  Ed. Note: Senor South American Soccer Correspondent Travis Volk contributed to this story.

Consummate broadcast interviewer and accomplished groom Larry King announced his retirement from cable news giant CNN last week, citing health reasons and his desire to spend more time with his eighth, ninth, and possibly tenth wives.  The departure, which leaves a gaping hole in CNN’s nightly broadcast and advertising schedule, will give the former talk show host time to divorce his seventh, and current wife Shawn, and marry and divorce his eighth, ninth, and possibly tenth wives.  ”Look, let’s not beat around the bush, here,” said King.  ”I’m 76.  I’m not getting any younger.  If I’m gonna get to nine wives – or ten if I can – I’m gonna have to focus. I mean, look at me.  Time is not something I have a whole lot of.”  A spokesman for King says he plans to start his quest for his eighth wife at longtime friend Hugh Hefner’s Holmby Hills estate, the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino pool on weekends, and Jumbo’s Clown Room Thursday nights.