ColemanMedia Report

Cosmetics giant L’Oreal and computer software maker Adobe announced the launch of their highly anticipated women’s beauty line early Tuesday morning during a joint press conference in New York.  The new brand, dubbed “UNreal,” combines L’Oreal’s decades of cosmetics expertise with Adobe’s digital image manipulation technology to “allow women to achieve a level of beauty previously reserved only for cover models,” according to prepared statements.  ”It was such a natural fit,” said L’Oreal CEO Jean-Paul Agon.  ”We’ve been selling an unattainable image of beauty on the cover of magazines for decades, and for years, Adobe’s products have made that level of beauty that much more impossible.  So why not team up, and sell the impossible directly to the consumer?”  According to Agon, the new line will completely erase the effects of aging, overeating, blemishes, and suboptimal genetics, as long as the consumer’s face is running Windows Vista or Mac OS 10.5.8 or later.

Only a week after search monopoly Google quietly launched its long anticipated  ”Caffeine” search engine algorithm, the company announced Monday afternoon that it had acquired copyright and ownership of the word, concept and use of the chemical compound caffeine.  According to papers filed with the Federal Trade Commission earlier Monday, Google will now be able to charge royalties for any mention or use of the popular and highly addictive stimulant.  ”To be honest, we needed another significant revenue stream other than search,” said Google co-founder Sergey Brin.  ”Sure, YouTube and DoubleClick bring in money, but it’s chump change.  And since we already named our new algorithm ‘Caffeine,’ we thought ‘why not?’  So now, every time you buy a cup of coffee or a candy bar, we take 25 cents.  By my calculations, I should be able to buy a yacht every 17 minutes with that kind of revenue.”

Capitalizing on the recent spate of celebrity deaths, investment banking giant and close relatives of Satan Goldman Sachs began marketing their new Celebrity Death Derivatives portfolio of products late last week in a multi-million dollar print and online campaign.  The campaign, running on popular financial publications such as Forbes and The Motley Fool, promotes the new products, which allow investors to trade futures and swaps on upcoming celebrity deaths.  ”We make most of our money lying and cheating,” said Goldman CEO Lloyd Blankfein, “so dealing in death seemed like a logical progression.  Now we can trick our clients into making virtually impossible bets on which celebrities will kick the bucket next.  And since celebrities tend to die in groups of 3-5, we can bundle these up like so many credit default swaps and sell them to the next sucker down the line.  Or an unsuspecting government like Greece.”

Just one week after trying to downplay an internal memo urging employees to discontinue use of the Chevy moniker in favor of the more formal Chevrolet, General Motors quietly issued a written request to Don McLean and Capitol Records to change the lyrics of his seminal 1971 song “American Pie.”  According to the letter, GM requested that McLean remove the reference to Chevy in his memorable line “drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was dry” and update it with something more modern.  ”We were thinking ‘drove my Chevrolet to the dealer, and he had some great deals,’” said GM VP of Marketing Joel Ewanick.  ”That’s more in line with our marketing strategy.  Plus, I think it has a nice ring to it.  Maybe we can get that Lady Gaga person to re-record it.  Maybe shoot a new video.”  In response to a flood of outcry and criticism from artist’s and human rights groups, Ewanick said, “Look, we’re not trying to bastardize or marginalize something as iconic or American as ‘American Pie,’ or even Chevy.  I’m just trying to justify my six figure salary by doing what a new marketing officer always does – shake things up.”

In an unexpected response to Google’s highly-publicized announcement earlier this week, software giant Microsoft announced Wednesday morning that it too will cease using Windows software and operating system at its 135 corporate office locations around the globe.  The move, which took many industry experts by surprise, is purportedly Microsoft’s attempt to use reverse psychology to increase sales of its beleaguered software products.  ”Look, we know Microsoft is about as cool and forward-thinking as your grandma’s wardrobe,” said COO Kevin Turner.  ”So if we say that we’re not going to use our own products anymore, that should make them that much cooler by disassociation.  Plus, they really do have too many security holes.  People kept hacking into Steve [Ballmer]‘s Facebook account and updating his status to claim that he could ‘smoke’ Steve Jobs in beer pong.  Which we all know is not true.”

Western Regional Sales Director Steven Jennings received a written response Tuesday morning to an email and two voicemails left with then junior media planner Ryan Sexton in March of 2003, according to server logs at Clickety Click Networks.  The response, sent seven years after the original correspondence began, denied Jennings’ request for a meeting to discuss Sexton’s client’s goals and objectives, but thanked him for reaching out.  Still, Jennings remains optimistic.  ”Oh this is definitely a foot in the door,” said Jennings.  ”Media planners never return calls, and when they do, it’s usually a canned response, clearly demonstrating they didn’t even read your email.  It may have taken him seven years, but Ryan actually took the time to tell me he was too busy to meet.  If that’s not a hot lead, I don’t know what is.  I’m gonna have to drop by his office with a Starbucks card or something.”

A study released Monday by the Center for Modern Advertising and the Effect on Intelligence revealed that the unprecedented 4% drop in US beer sales recently may be a product of consumers finally realizing that drinking light beers out of bottles or cans does not actually make one more attractive to the opposite sex.  According to the study, only 74% of consumers surveyed still believe that drinking a beer at a bar, bbq, or unusually hot commuter train will cause exceptionally beautiful women to approach them – a sharp decline from only 2 years ago.  ”What we’re seeing is unprecedented,” said Guy Rosenthall, a fellow with CMAEI.  ”As consumers start to associate their product experiences with reality, their purchasing habits actually change.  Soon beer marketers may have to replace the ‘it’ll get you laid’ positioning with a ‘it’ll help you forget about your day at work’ message.”

Trendy discount airline of-the-moment Virgin America revealed the identities of their target customers, Jimmy Jetsetter and Sally Saver, in a request for proposal document sent out late last week to over 400 online publishers and networks.  According to the documents, Jetsetter, 27, lives in Los Angeles, but travels frequently to New York and Las Vegas, where his $120,000 annual income allows him to hit the clubs with his friends, while Saver, 25, buys her organic groceries at Trader Joe’s instead of Whole Foods to save money for her twice-yearly vacations.  The revelation has privacy advocates up in arms.  ”I can’t believe they would release such personal info on their fictional customers like that,” said Helen Humorless of the Consumer Protection Agency.  ”Just because they’re a gross generalization of audience segments meant to oversimplify things so marketers can convince themselves they understand them, doesn’t mean they don’t deserve their right to privacy.  Virgin will be hearing from our lawyers at Larry Litigious & Associates.”