ColemanMedia Report

In an apparent attempt to stymie negative consumer sentiment and growing Congressional scrutiny over the April 20th oil spill off the coast of Louisiana, oil giant British Petroleum announced a program early Tuesday designed to remove harmful and unhealthy trans fats from the untold millions of gallons of oil inundating the Gulf of Mexico.  The program, which could begin as early as June according to CEO Tony Hayward, should remove 85-90% of trans fats from crude oil in the Gulf by late 2013.  ”At BP, we care about the health and well-being of all marine wildlife,” said Hayward in a prepared statement.  ”That’s why we’ve come up with this program.  There’s absolutely no reason an entire ecosystem of birds, fish and sea mammals should choke to death on synthetic fats known to be a leading cause of obesity.  It’s just unconscionable.  While we can’t stop the spill to save our lives, we absolutely can make a difference in the diet of these innocent animals.  Sometime in late 2013.”

Leading social network Facebook successfully sold personably identifiable data, a fitted camouflage Braves hat, and a pair of limited edition Air Force One DJ Clark Kent sneakers belonging to one of their users sometime last week, according to complaints filed with the Douglas County Sheriff’s Department Monday.  The items, previously belonging to 24-year-old Douglasville resident Rodney Boowinkle, were purchased by an unidentified advertiser for $65 under a user targeting agreement facilitated by Facebook’s hotly contested and expertly hidden user privacy policy.  According to paragraph 6,782,423 of the privacy policy, Facebook “may disclose, dispose of, or sell any data, belongings, or immediate family members” of any of its users.  ”This shit is whack,” said Boowinkle.  ”Those were mid-top Air Force One’s in the original colorway.  How am I gonna find me some of them now?”

Reports that Display Advertising may on the rebound after nearly three consecutive quarters of decline were verified Friday evening when local HR manager Kelsey Kleinberg spotted the once popular online ad format hitting on her friend Janice Kieslowski at Timmy O’ Toole’s Pub in downtown Chicago.  The rebound was first noted earlier this month by comScore, who reported that Display Advertising impressions sold were back up to 1.1 trillion, the first significant increase in nearly a year.  But recent incidents have some worried.  ”Just because Display is on a rebound,” said comScore founder Gian Fulgoni, “doesn’t mean it has to get into bed with the first opportunity that presents itself.  I mean, it went through some pretty abusive relationships with LowerMyBills and those awful ‘Punch the Monkey’ ads.  I really hope it doesn’t slip into its old habits again.  I mean, let’s be honest, Janice isn’t really that good looking.”

A report issued Monday by the Center for Gratuitous Mergers & Acquisitions revealed that Internet and search giant Google went nearly 8 hours late last week without acquiring another company, surprising nearly every cognizant human being, including many within the company.  According the report, Google did not purchase another company for 7 hours and 54 minutes after announcing the May 20th acquisition of music syncing service Simplify Media, a new record for the company.  ”This is certainly eye-opening,” said lead researcher Jurgen von Schniedgelfen. “Google’s appetite for assets has been insatiable.  They recently purchased every pizza restaurant within 15 miles of their Mountain View campus just so they wouldn’t have to log the receipts in their expense reports.  For them not to purchase a Plink or a Picnik or the Commonwealth of Belize is either an oversight or an omen.”   Officials with Google echoed those sentiments.  Co-founder Sergey Brin, when reached via iPhone, said only, “We didn’t?  Why didn’t we buy anyone?  Where’s Larry?”