ColemanMedia Report

In an apparent attempt to stymie negative consumer sentiment and growing Congressional scrutiny over the April 20th oil spill off the coast of Louisiana, oil giant British Petroleum announced a program early Tuesday designed to remove harmful and unhealthy trans fats from the untold millions of gallons of oil inundating the Gulf of Mexico.  The program, which could begin as early as June according to CEO Tony Hayward, should remove 85-90% of trans fats from crude oil in the Gulf by late 2013.  ”At BP, we care about the health and well-being of all marine wildlife,” said Hayward in a prepared statement.  ”That’s why we’ve come up with this program.  There’s absolutely no reason an entire ecosystem of birds, fish and sea mammals should choke to death on synthetic fats known to be a leading cause of obesity.  It’s just unconscionable.  While we can’t stop the spill to save our lives, we absolutely can make a difference in the diet of these innocent animals.  Sometime in late 2013.”

Leading social network Facebook successfully sold personably identifiable data, a fitted camouflage Braves hat, and a pair of limited edition Air Force One DJ Clark Kent sneakers belonging to one of their users sometime last week, according to complaints filed with the Douglas County Sheriff’s Department Monday.  The items, previously belonging to 24-year-old Douglasville resident Rodney Boowinkle, were purchased by an unidentified advertiser for $65 under a user targeting agreement facilitated by Facebook’s hotly contested and expertly hidden user privacy policy.  According to paragraph 6,782,423 of the privacy policy, Facebook “may disclose, dispose of, or sell any data, belongings, or immediate family members” of any of its users.  ”This shit is whack,” said Boowinkle.  ”Those were mid-top Air Force One’s in the original colorway.  How am I gonna find me some of them now?”

Reports that Display Advertising may on the rebound after nearly three consecutive quarters of decline were verified Friday evening when local HR manager Kelsey Kleinberg spotted the once popular online ad format hitting on her friend Janice Kieslowski at Timmy O’ Toole’s Pub in downtown Chicago.  The rebound was first noted earlier this month by comScore, who reported that Display Advertising impressions sold were back up to 1.1 trillion, the first significant increase in nearly a year.  But recent incidents have some worried.  ”Just because Display is on a rebound,” said comScore founder Gian Fulgoni, “doesn’t mean it has to get into bed with the first opportunity that presents itself.  I mean, it went through some pretty abusive relationships with LowerMyBills and those awful ‘Punch the Monkey’ ads.  I really hope it doesn’t slip into its old habits again.  I mean, let’s be honest, Janice isn’t really that good looking.”

A report issued Monday by the Center for Gratuitous Mergers & Acquisitions revealed that Internet and search giant Google went nearly 8 hours late last week without acquiring another company, surprising nearly every cognizant human being, including many within the company.  According the report, Google did not purchase another company for 7 hours and 54 minutes after announcing the May 20th acquisition of music syncing service Simplify Media, a new record for the company.  ”This is certainly eye-opening,” said lead researcher Jurgen von Schniedgelfen. “Google’s appetite for assets has been insatiable.  They recently purchased every pizza restaurant within 15 miles of their Mountain View campus just so they wouldn’t have to log the receipts in their expense reports.  For them not to purchase a Plink or a Picnik or the Commonwealth of Belize is either an oversight or an omen.”   Officials with Google echoed those sentiments.  Co-founder Sergey Brin, when reached via iPhone, said only, “We didn’t?  Why didn’t we buy anyone?  Where’s Larry?”

The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers announced the release of the widely anticipated next generation of the Internet, Web 3.0, at a press conference in Burlingame, CA Monday afternoon.  The new version, slated for release June 20th, promises several key enhancements over Web 2.0.  ”The new Internet is like Web 2.0 on steriods,” said ICANN spokesperson Karl Schnaubhauser.  ”It does everything Web 2.0 does, but 1,000 times better.”  According to Web 3.0 specification documents, the new version will render things like actual social interaction, short-term memory, and free will totally obsolete.  ”It’s amazing.  With the new system, you won’t need to know anything: your friend’s phone numbers, your address, or even your name.  Web 3.0 will know all of that for you, along with your likes, dislikes, and things you didn’t even know you like.  The best part, you won’t even need a device to access it.  It will come to you.  Whether you like it or not.”

Fresh off the heels of releasing their Open Graph Platform, which has drawn the ire of lawmakers and privacy advocates, Facebook announced the release of its new OpenPassword feature, which automatically releases password information, social security numbers and complete dating histories of its users to any person, entity or hacker that requests it.  The new feature, announced yesterday and quietly released 6 weeks ago, will allow critical information to travel more freely and efficiently across the Web, according to Facebook founder and privacy adversary Mark Zuckerberg.  ”We live in an openly social world,” said Zuckerberg, “so why not share the information that people really want to know?  I think our users will really like it once they get used to it.  If they don’t, we’ll just sell their bank account numbers to Phil in Lagos, Nigeria.  Or their estranged exes.”

Midwest Director of Sales Marty Shiftbody of AdNausea didn’t mean to step on anybody’s toes by contacting the client directly, according to a voice message left with Junior Media Planner Jody McAckerby late Tuesday morning.  Shiftbody left the voicemail 37 seconds after the client responded to his meeting request via email – copying McAckerby – and approximately 32 minutes after first reaching out to McAckerby via email, according to server logs at the Chicago office of the Phelps Agency.  ”Is this guy serious?” asked McAckerby.  ”He emails me a half hour ago while I’m in a meeting, and he’s already complaining to the client that our agency is ‘unresponsive’ and doing them a ‘disservice by not accepting his meeting requests?’  Uh, news flash, dude.  Your passive aggressive sales schtick is right there in the forwarded email.  Now it’s my turn.  Delete.”

A study released by the Center for the Media, Journalism, and Intelligence this morning revealed that exposure to Bravo’s unscripted TV series The Real Housewives of Orange County has lowered the collective I.Q. of the entire country by 32.9%, despite only reaching 2.3 million viewers during its Season 2 premiere.  According to the study, the “brain drain” affect of the show reaches well beyond those actually exposed to the show.  ”The numbers are alarming, but certainly not surprising,” said researcher Kevin Danalbe.  ”We found that 1-2 exposures to the show itself produced a 63.1% drop in I.Q., while inadvertently overhearing even 20 seconds of ‘watercooler talk’ about the show reduced I.Q. by almost 12%.  And people who could name Chris Manzo’s 10 requirements for being a ‘Man’ actually demonstrated negative I.Q.”  The study has many advertisers excited.  ”Stupid people are 30% more likely to buy stuff they don’t need,” said one advertiser.  ”And we’re definitely in the business of selling people stuff they don’t need.”