ColemanMedia Report

Just three hours after popular social networking application Twitter announced the addition of sponsored Tweets, retail clerk and Twitter user Ryan Baumgarten confirmed that the Tweet promoting “gr8 deals on Cialis & Viagra” at an unnamed Canadian pharmacy was probably not from friend and fellow Twitter user Ced Needlemeier.  The Tweet, which hit Baumgarten’s feed at 12:32 p.m. Tuesday, reportedly came from Needlemeier’s @NeedleInAHaystack account, but lacked his recognizable voice.  ”There’s no way that was Ced, man,” said Baumgarten.  ”He’s always blabbing on about the ‘Ra Ra Riot Tix’ he just scored, or how hot the girl at ‘S-Bucks was who served him his Carml Mach.’  I mean, this was obviously one of those ads, man.  Why does Twitter gotta sellout like this?  Can’t they just leave us to make #DrakesEyebrows a trending topic without trying to make money?”

ExasperClick Network Director of Sales Sal Bugotini works with Joey Bonaducci, and wants to schedule a time to come in and discuss how he can get some business going with you and your agency’s clients, according to a message left in your voice mail inbox early Monday morning.  According to Bugotini, Bonaducci is a “longtime pal” and has “nothing but good things to say about you,” which reportedly makes Bugotini certain that he will work very well with you.  Multiple queries to your email, contact database, and personal memory show no record of contact or evidence of existence of Joseph Bonaducci, Sal Bugotini, or ExasperClick Network, despite the unusually friendly tone of the message.  Bugotini followed up with an email suggesting that you join him and Bonaducci later this week for some cocktails to “catch up and discuss some business.”

The United States Department of Justice revealed a complex and sophisticated plot by the nation’s Smartphones at a press conference Monday afternoon, charging the devices with attempting to not only take over wireless Internet browsing from laptop computers, but to ultimately enslave the entire nation into an unnecessarily expensive and connected lifestyle.  According to officials, the plot includes detailed plans to convince Smartphone users that it’s necessary to continuously update their location, activities, opinions, and irritations to a global network of other Smartphone users with text, photos, videos and nearly indecipherable icons.  ”We’re very lucky we caught this when we did,” said Lt. JT Smackhouser.  ”This could have very easily resulted in an entire nation of people eschewing actual human interaction to update their virtual contacts at a personal cost of billions of dollars per year.  Now that we’ve pulled the cover off this thing, people can go back to buying their groceries without being an inconsiderate prick in the checkout line.”

News Corp. owner and unnaturally creepy old man Rupert Murdoch’s much-ballyhooed plan to put most of his media empire’s online content behind pay walls was dealt a significant setback early Sunday morning when reports of multiple complaints of loud music coming from behind the walls surfaced in local Manhattan media outlets.  Officials with NYPD’s 10th Precinct confirmed that several complaints of “loud music, strange voices, and god-awful racket” were filed between 11:00 p.m. Saturday evening and 4:00 a.m. Sunday morning.  The news has many critics of the pay wall model newly energized.  ”At first we thought the pay wall system wouldn’t work because people wouldn’t be willing to pay for what used to be free content,” said media analyst Louie Schafer.  ”But now it appears that the walls are simply too thin to contain the noise of all the rich people enjoying their premium content while the working class try to get some shut eye so they can catch the 6:45 train.  Ain’t living in the crowded media space a bitch?”