ColemanMedia Report

Just three hours after popular social networking application Twitter announced the addition of sponsored Tweets, retail clerk and Twitter user Ryan Baumgarten confirmed that the Tweet promoting “gr8 deals on Cialis & Viagra” at an unnamed Canadian pharmacy was probably not from friend and fellow Twitter user Ced Needlemeier.  The Tweet, which hit Baumgarten’s feed at 12:32 p.m. Tuesday, reportedly came from Needlemeier’s @NeedleInAHaystack account, but lacked his recognizable voice.  ”There’s no way that was Ced, man,” said Baumgarten.  ”He’s always blabbing on about the ‘Ra Ra Riot Tix’ he just scored, or how hot the girl at ‘S-Bucks was who served him his Carml Mach.’  I mean, this was obviously one of those ads, man.  Why does Twitter gotta sellout like this?  Can’t they just leave us to make #DrakesEyebrows a trending topic without trying to make money?”

ExasperClick Network Director of Sales Sal Bugotini works with Joey Bonaducci, and wants to schedule a time to come in and discuss how he can get some business going with you and your agency’s clients, according to a message left in your voice mail inbox early Monday morning.  According to Bugotini, Bonaducci is a “longtime pal” and has “nothing but good things to say about you,” which reportedly makes Bugotini certain that he will work very well with you.  Multiple queries to your email, contact database, and personal memory show no record of contact or evidence of existence of Joseph Bonaducci, Sal Bugotini, or ExasperClick Network, despite the unusually friendly tone of the message.  Bugotini followed up with an email suggesting that you join him and Bonaducci later this week for some cocktails to “catch up and discuss some business.”

The United States Department of Justice revealed a complex and sophisticated plot by the nation’s Smartphones at a press conference Monday afternoon, charging the devices with attempting to not only take over wireless Internet browsing from laptop computers, but to ultimately enslave the entire nation into an unnecessarily expensive and connected lifestyle.  According to officials, the plot includes detailed plans to convince Smartphone users that it’s necessary to continuously update their location, activities, opinions, and irritations to a global network of other Smartphone users with text, photos, videos and nearly indecipherable icons.  ”We’re very lucky we caught this when we did,” said Lt. JT Smackhouser.  ”This could have very easily resulted in an entire nation of people eschewing actual human interaction to update their virtual contacts at a personal cost of billions of dollars per year.  Now that we’ve pulled the cover off this thing, people can go back to buying their groceries without being an inconsiderate prick in the checkout line.”

News Corp. owner and unnaturally creepy old man Rupert Murdoch’s much-ballyhooed plan to put most of his media empire’s online content behind pay walls was dealt a significant setback early Sunday morning when reports of multiple complaints of loud music coming from behind the walls surfaced in local Manhattan media outlets.  Officials with NYPD’s 10th Precinct confirmed that several complaints of “loud music, strange voices, and god-awful racket” were filed between 11:00 p.m. Saturday evening and 4:00 a.m. Sunday morning.  The news has many critics of the pay wall model newly energized.  ”At first we thought the pay wall system wouldn’t work because people wouldn’t be willing to pay for what used to be free content,” said media analyst Louie Schafer.  ”But now it appears that the walls are simply too thin to contain the noise of all the rich people enjoying their premium content while the working class try to get some shut eye so they can catch the 6:45 train.  Ain’t living in the crowded media space a bitch?”

Junior graphic interface designer and self-professed Apple “Fanboy” Larry Billows is already in line to buy an Apple iPad on its Saturday, April 3rd release date, according to several co-workers at the midtown Manhattan office of Bertlebaum, Bogle & Bumblebee.  Billows, who according to several accounts has been speaking about the release for weeks, entered the line at the Apple Store on 5th Avenue on Monday and has remained there loyally ever since.  ”I honestly don’t know what Larry sees in the iPad,” said co-worker Janice Blutowski.  ”It’s like a giant iPhone without the phone, or a bigger iPod Touch.  Why someone would take five vacation days to wait in line for it when he could just order it online and get it next week is beyond me.  But to be honest, I’m glad to have him out of the office.  He’s been blabbering about it for weeks.  I think I might take Monday off just so I don’t have to be the first person he shows it off to.”

A study released Wednesday by the Center for Mobile Media Measurement & Malfeasance revealed that with the launch of the Mo-Bile Ad Network, mobile media companies now outnumber actual mobile phone users in the United States by a margin of nearly 2-to-1.  According to the study, over 52 million mobile ad sales organizations have been launched in the last six months alone, generating more sales emails and voice mails than text messages sent by 12-17 year-olds in the last 2 years.  ”The numbers far exceeded our wildest imagination,” said research director Chip Hollenbeck.  ”There are now approximately 1.7 companies offering SMS, display and in-application mobile advertisers for every active cell phone user in the United States.  And if you work at an advertising agency, chances are they’ve already called you an average of 16.3 times this week alone.”

Junior financial analyst Nick Holder failed to issue a “not safe for work” warning to friend and print media buyer Robbie Linders when forwarding the link to the “Roller Skating Rapper” video Tuesday afternoon, according to several apologetic statements issued by Linders to his co-workers.  Linders reportedly watched the 3-minute YouTube video at his desk, which faces the entire procurement department, made mostly of 25 to 30 year-old women.  According to several witnesses, the video contained a fair amount of profanity, barely distinguishable misogynistic phrases, and brief, but unexpected male nudity. “That was not cool, man,” said Linders.  ”Not cool.  I need a little warning when some dude on roller skates is going to pull down his shorts.  Like, you know, maybe a ‘ make sure you check who’s around before watching,’ or ‘keep an eye out at 2:42.’  Now Tammy in procurement won’t even talk to me.  Not cool at all.”

In an effort to stem the tide of recent user privacy concerns of Internet users, politicians, and privacy activist groups, popular search engine and prime GDP contributor Google filed a patent application with the US Patent Office Tuesday seeking to own the concept of privacy outright.  According to the filing, which was entered under the Accelerated Examination Program, Google seeks to rewrite the definition of privacy both on and offline to allow “any use of personal user data that maximizes revenue for Google, its subsidiaries, or its friends and family.”  ”This was an easy decision, really,” said Google co-founder and yacht-owner Sergey Brin.  ”With all the conversation and speculation over online privacy issues and where it’s going, it made sense for us to own the concept of privacy outright.  That way we control the conversation, much like how we control what 70% of people find on the Internet when they search for ‘Justin Bieber.’  Because frankly, we can’t let a totalitarian regime like China or the FCC control something as important to the citizens of the world as our profits.”