ColemanMedia Report

Only days after the much ballyhooed and bewildering launch of social media tool Google Buzz, search giant and political lobbyist Google has announced the upcoming launch of “UsToo,” a new platform that will allow the media conglomerate to quickly and underwhelmingly copy virtually any popular social, mobile or web application.  According to the announcement, “UsToo” will give Google the flexibility to release confusing and relatively useless applications that mirror whatever the hottest new future trend may be.  ”We learned a lot from Buzz,” said Google co-founder Sergey Brin.  ”We were late to the game with a social sharing tool that quite simply, even we didn’t understand.  With ‘UsToo’ we’ll no longer be late.  We’ll be nimble enough to release perplexingly forgettable applications almost immediately after a far better version of it becomes popular with the general public.  Because, quite frankly, I’m getting bored of running an immensely profitable search engine.”

According to a report issued Monday by the social media watchdog group Friend Feeder, Facebook users have created more than 16 million new fan pages with the express purpose of generating more fans than every person, public figure, or brand that they dislike, don’t agree with, or simply want to make fun of.  The pages and groups, which started as jokes about pictures of domesticated animals getting more fans than Glenn Beck or Nickelback, have quickly snowballed to collectively waste more than 189 million hours of Facebook user time in the last week alone.  ”We see this as the beginning of the end for Facebook,” said Matthew P. Whipplebottoms, a research analyst at Friend Feeder.  ”It started with lost cows wandering on to people’s walls, where the utility of keeping in touch with friends and acquaintances gave way to the mindless time suck that is ‘Let’s see if this one-eyed mole rat can get more fans than the Verizon Guy’s glasses.’”

HardSell Media Western Regional Sales Manager Charles Lamonica wants to kick things with your client into high gear, according to a voice mail and follow-up email sent Tuesday morning to Junior Account Coordinator Jordan Ringley.  Lamonica reportedly wants to “jump-start” the new year and the new quarter by “diving in headfirst” to some “6-figure-minumum” ad buys on his behaviorally targeted network.  According to the messages, sent within 16 minutes of each other, Lamonica feels strongly that if you test big, he’ll be able to deliver big.  ”Look,” said Lamonica in his phone message, “I’m through with these little tests.  Let’s turn things up and start spending some real dough.  The volume’s only at 3 kid, but this dial goes to eleven, you know what I mean?”  ”Did he really just make a Spinal Tap reference?” said Ringley.  ”I’m 24, I wasn’t even born when that movie came out.  Who buys into this crap anyway?”

Less than three weeks after Apple’s highly-anticipated announcement of its iPad tablet e-reader, Apple fan tracking service MacAddicts revealed that nearly 6 out of 7 self-professed Apple fans have been diagnosed with suffering from severe withdrawal symptoms over the lack of recent Apple-related news.  According to MacAddicts, only 7,239,922 online articles, unconfirmed rumors and blog posts have been published about new Macintosh products over the past 10 days.  The withdrawal symptoms, which range from minor headaches to crippling seizure of their wireless Magic Mice, have reportedly quadrupled over the last 3 days as the non-news begins to pile up.  ”This is the longest we’ve gone without some sort of announcement or rumor,” said Mac fan and withdrawal sufferer Mick Davies.  ”Usually we would already be talking about the next generation iPhone, or arguing over what brand of black turtle neck Steve Jobs is wearing, but it’s been nothing but silence.  Terrible, unbearable silence.  Where’s my rumor of a 1TB video-enabled Nano, or 3D Apple TV?  I have nothing to talk about with my friends!”