ColemanMedia Report

A quick search for restaurants near the West Los Angeles apartment of Jenni Whitfield in Google Street View mode Tuesday afternoon revealed that Jake Hanson, the media buyer’s live-in boyfriend, had indeed left the toilet set up again earlier in the day.  According to sources close to the scene, the 26-year-old had long suspected her boyfriend as the culprit, but until logging into the 360-degree photo-based mapping service, didn’t have the evidence she needed.  ”Omigod, I totally knew it!” said Whitfield.  ”He always tries to blame me and I’m like ‘why would I leave the toilet seat up?  Hellooooo, I’m the only girl in the apartment.’  He is so on dish duty when I get home.”  Further searches within Street View revealed the whereabouts of Whitfield’s lost earring, her pink rhinestone Blackberry case, and a full view of her black CoCo de Mer whispering chemise.  ”Okay, this just turned from cool to creepy, like, really fast,” added Whitfield.

A report issued early Tuesday by online media measurement firm comScore revealed that 2,572 separate video networks tied for the coveted top spot for December 2009, according to comScore’s new Digital Advertising Return To Basics On Average Relevant Dealio (darTBoarD) measurement standard.  The new standard, which takes into account audience size, video completion rate, and sales PowerPoint slides, ranked all 2,572 video networks as #1 with your desired key demographic.  ”These results are solid,” said David Bates, Director of Research and Other Useless Stats at comScore.  ”Not only do they show that each network is indeed #1, but they clearly demonstrate that pretty much anything you want to purport as fact is true so long as you have enough screenshots.”  A planner at Epicenter Media, who declined to be identified for fear of losing her spa privileges, responded ambivalently to the report by asking: “What’s a comScore?”

A study released late last week by the Center for Environmental Irony revealed that the carbon footprint of media coverage of commercial and industrial environmental impact actually increases the total carbon footprint of mankind by approximately 25.3%.  According to the study, every occurrence of the words “carbon footprint” actually releases 2.3 metric tons of carbon monoxide, the gas widely believed to be at the root of global warming, into the atmosphere.  ”The results are quite shocking,” said Klaus Von Chimneyschwiep, a fellow with the CEI.  ”We always thought that reporting on the causes of global warming would have a net positive effect, but the exact opposite is true.  Every time the media reports on the environmental impact of something, they actually make that impact 2.4 times worse on average.  In fact, simply by reporting these facts to you, two cute and cuddly kittens have suffocated to death on deadly toxic gases.”

Not to be outdone by Alex Bogusky’s promotion to Chief Creative Insurgent of Crispin Porter + Bogusky parent MDC Partners, Chicago-based agency Boo, Yahka & Shaw officially announced the promotion of Deputy Vice Comptroller of Keepin’ It Real Brian Sheenwicky to the newly-created position of Chief Pretentiousness Officer late Monday.  Under his new role, Sheenwicky will be in charge of creating innovative and confusing new business practice and department names to make the agency sound more cutting-edge and ahead of the curve.  ”In the new media landscape, agencies need to stop worrying about being reasonable or accountable,” said Sheenwicky.  ”It’s all about bewildering the hell out of your clients and competition with abstract concepts, half-baked assertions, and unprecedented monikers.  As long as you can appear to be one step ahead of everyone else, you’ll never have to prove your actual worth.”