ColemanMedia Report

A resume received by the New York office of Kirschenbaum, Bomb, Senegal & Partners claiming to have over 25 years of digital ad sales experience was questioned by Human Resources Manager Becky Wurschester early Tuesday, according to several witnesses at the scene.  The resume, tastefully printed on 80lb. Productolith Matte stock in 10-pt. Lucida Sans font, reportedly raised red flags because it claimed to have Internet ad sales experience dating back to 1985.  ”Unless you’re Al Gore, or possibly Tommy Lee Jones,” said Wurchester, “the Internet didn’t even exist back then. So how could you be selling advertising on it?  And 14+ years of Social Media experience?  Friendster isn’t even 14 yet.  And why, if you have more experience than humanly possible, would you be applying for junior account coordinator position?”

Celebrity chef and closet Turret’s sufferer Emeril Lagasse inadvertently landed himself on the Department of Homeland Security’s Terrorist Watch List Sunday evening after yelling his trademark catch phrase “Bam!” while competing against White House Executive Chef Cristeta Comerford on the Food Network’s popular Iron Chef show.  Lagasse, who lost to Comerford, characterized the classification as either a misunderstanding or a “blatant form of censorship meant to silence critics of the White House’s menu, and a spineless vote fixing maneuver.”  Homeland Security officials disagreed, citing a suspicious opaque liquid that Lagasse reportedly smuggled into his peppercorn roasted pork loin.  ”No one uses a milky-white liquid in a proper vermouth pan sauce,” said Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano.  ”Plus the man literally has no neck.  That in and of itself makes him a person of interest.”

Junior Media Planner Eddie Cinch received a Holiday Card on the morning of December 17th that contained an unsolicited media proposal stuffed inside the American Stationary Season’s Greetings card, according to sources at the Los Angeles office of Leo Burnett.  The card, sent by Lee Gafferty of Knowshame Media, contained a 17-page printed presentation and  a prepared Insertion Order, along with a note from Gafferty suggesting that a “Happy and Prosperous New Year is only a signature away.”  ”You’ve got to be f-ing kidding me,” said Cinch.  ”I’ve maybe talked to this guy once on the phone, so you can imagine that I was surprised to receive a rather thick envelope from him.  I thought ‘oh, how nice of him to send me a Starbucks card,’ but no, it’s nothing but a shameless ploy to get on a media plan that’s already finalized.  These people never cease to amaze.”  According to Cinch, Gafferty followed up three times to make sure Cinch received the card.

Several grievances were aired by junior account coordinator Jimmy Chatsworth after his fourth Jack and Coke at the annual holiday party for the Des Moines office of the Thaplan Kayler Group, according to several witnesses at the scene.  Chatsworth reportedly cornered the Managing Director at the back bar at Baratta’s on South Union, and proceeded to address several issues about the regular working environment that had been plaguing him for months.  Amongst the issues discussed were the recent lack of amaretto Coffee-Mate in the break room, the flickering florescent bulb in the supply closet, and the constant disappearing act of ping-pong balls in the game room.  Chatsworth reportedly went on to suggest that Kevin in print buying should never be allowed to wear Teva sandals with socks, and that Chatsworth would make the Monday meetings much more fun than Robert.  At the time of publication, it was not confirmed if any of the issues brought by Chatsworth had been resolved.

Several employees at the Chicago office of Sedentary.com confirmed late Tuesday that after only two days back in the office, the exuberant New Year’s optimism of Midwest Sales Manager Rodney Postlethwaite has already turned from inspiring to “annoyingly unbearable.”  According to his co-workers, Postlethwaite, widely considered an extrovert, has continually expressed his unbridled hopefulness in and extolled the boundless possibilities of the New Year.  ”I get it.  It’s a new year,” said traffic manager Janice Richenbacher.  ”We’re supposed to make resolutions and big changes.  But if I have to hear one more time how he’s ready to tackle the New Year, or turn this sinking ship around, or post the biggest Q1 numbers in the history of the company, I’m gonna puke.  I mean, nothing has actually changed since last month aside from a new calendar.  We’re still in a pretty difficult sales climate, and his breath still smells a helluva lot like coffee and Rolaids.”

The Carnegie Center for Needless Prognostication announced early last week that due to pressures from the sluggish economy, the advertising think tank has reduced its annual Top 10 Trends To Look For In 2010 List to six.  According to officials with the Center, the decision to cut back on its predictions for the coming year was due partly to the predictably slow recovery of the broader economy, and partly due to general apathy.  ”As uncertain as a long-term economic recovery is,” noted Chief Presage Officer Jurgen Schiffenbacher, “It just didn’t make sense to go with a Top 10 list this year.  Everybody’s still cutting back, and our industry is no exception.  On the plus side, we can only be wrong about six things this year.  So we got that going for us.”  Reaction to news reverberated throughout the ad industry.  ”Thank God,” said media buyer Richard Newhouse.  ”That means I’ll waste 40% less time skimming through yet another worthless list of complete and utter guesswork.”