ColemanMedia Report

Officials with the Cook County Fire Department confirmed that the search for junior media planner Jonah Mecklenberg began shortly after 10:30 a.m. Tuesday morning after the 25-year-old man was reported missing during a “deep dive” into campaign performance data.  According to several witnesses at the River North office of Boo, Yahka, & Shaw, Mecklenberg was last seen at around 9:30 a.m. speaking with Rick Buzzworthy, his direct supervisor, who reportedly asked the young man to “deep dive” into the data to get “to the bottom” of the correct performance attribution metrics.  ”We are very concerned for Mr. Mecklenberg,” said CCFD spokesman Karl Bievlowski.  ”Apparently Mecklenberg started at a ‘high level,’ trying to take in a ’10,000-foot view.’  Whenever someone starts up that high in the Bullshit Bingo scale, and falls all the way into a ‘deep dive,’ they place themselves at serious risk.  But we hope to have him back shortly so he can ‘circle back’ and ‘onboard’ the rest of the team.”

A study released early Wednesday by the Center for Needless Self-Promotion and Pontification revealed that nearly 25% of advertising conference panelists actually believe the series of industry buzzwords and catch phrases that they pass off as expertise while on stage.  According to the study, one in four panelists believe that what they say is true, while three in four panelists say they regurgitate popular industry trends and sayings in an attempt to promote themselves or their companies.  ”I love being on a panel at conferences,” said Bruce Highwind, VP of Sales for ClychNine.  ”It gives me a chance to look far more important and knowledgeable than I really am, and it’s a great way put in shameless plugs for my company by giving answers that have absolutely nothing to do with the original question.  It’s also a great place for me to network and try to land my next gig.”

Precisely nothing was “kicked off” during a creative kickoff call between Rich Media vendor Eyeroller and the RC Cola team at Bertelbaum & Berkshire Tuesday afternoon, according to several witnesses at the scene.  The conference call, requested by Eyeroller Account Supervisor Stephie Meddlespoon approximately 17 minutes after the Insertion Order was signed, was reportedly planned to introduce her team, discuss campaign logistics and timelines, and get “everyone on the same page.”  ”What an absolute waste of our time,” said B&B creative director Dirk Saurbottoms.  ”This must be our 15th campaign with the same Eyeroller team.  Why to we have to schedule a frickin’ kickoff call every time we sign an IO to go over the exact same stuff we went over last time?  The only thing remotely productive about that meeting was watching Tommy lip-sync Stephie’s speech word-for-word after we put the phone on mute.”

The Chick-Fil-A cows, famous for encouraging consumers to “Eat Mor Chikin” for the last ten-plus years, began picketing several Southern California locations of QSR chain El Pollo Loco Monday morning over the fast-feeder’s new Flame Grilled Sirloin Steak campaign.   The cows, carrying signs reading “Loos The Beef” and “Carne A-Crazy,” stood outside locations in Puente Hills and Reseda, CA, vocally urging consumers not to support El Pollo Loco’s newest steak menu items.  ”We used to consider El Pollo Loco practically a sister company,” said cow spokeswoman Betsy, “with their deep komitmint to chikin.  But this is lik a slap in the fase.  We feel lik weev been stabbed in the bak with a pitchfork.  We pleed with the good peepel of Southern California not to support an organization that turns their back on the cow kommunity with such obvious krewlty and disrespekt.  We’re prepared to stay out heer as long as it takes to hav our werds herd.”