ColemanMedia Report

Officials with the Cook County Fire Department confirmed that the search for junior media planner Jonah Mecklenberg began shortly after 10:30 a.m. Tuesday morning after the 25-year-old man was reported missing during a “deep dive” into campaign performance data.  According to several witnesses at the River North office of Boo, Yahka, & Shaw, Mecklenberg was last seen at around 9:30 a.m. speaking with Rick Buzzworthy, his direct supervisor, who reportedly asked the young man to “deep dive” into the data to get “to the bottom” of the correct performance attribution metrics.  ”We are very concerned for Mr. Mecklenberg,” said CCFD spokesman Karl Bievlowski.  ”Apparently Mecklenberg started at a ‘high level,’ trying to take in a ‘10,000-foot view.’  Whenever someone starts up that high in the Bullshit Bingo scale, and falls all the way into a ‘deep dive,’ they place themselves at serious risk.  But we hope to have him back shortly so he can ‘circle back’ and ‘onboard’ the rest of the team.”

A study released early Wednesday by the Center for Needless Self-Promotion and Pontification revealed that nearly 25% of advertising conference panelists actually believe the series of industry buzzwords and catch phrases that they pass off as expertise while on stage.  According to the study, one in four panelists believe that what they say is true, while three in four panelists say they regurgitate popular industry trends and sayings in an attempt to promote themselves or their companies.  ”I love being on a panel at conferences,” said Bruce Highwind, VP of Sales for ClychNine.  ”It gives me a chance to look far more important and knowledgeable than I really am, and it’s a great way put in shameless plugs for my company by giving answers that have absolutely nothing to do with the original question.  It’s also a great place for me to network and try to land my next gig.”

Precisely nothing was “kicked off” during a creative kickoff call between Rich Media vendor Eyeroller and the RC Cola team at Bertelbaum & Berkshire Tuesday afternoon, according to several witnesses at the scene.  The conference call, requested by Eyeroller Account Supervisor Stephie Meddlespoon approximately 17 minutes after the Insertion Order was signed, was reportedly planned to introduce her team, discuss campaign logistics and timelines, and get “everyone on the same page.”  ”What an absolute waste of our time,” said B&B creative director Dirk Saurbottoms.  ”This must be our 15th campaign with the same Eyeroller team.  Why to we have to schedule a frickin’ kickoff call every time we sign an IO to go over the exact same stuff we went over last time?  The only thing remotely productive about that meeting was watching Tommy lip-sync Stephie’s speech word-for-word after we put the phone on mute.”

The Chick-Fil-A cows, famous for encouraging consumers to “Eat Mor Chikin” for the last ten-plus years, began picketing several Southern California locations of QSR chain El Pollo Loco Monday morning over the fast-feeder’s new Flame Grilled Sirloin Steak campaign.   The cows, carrying signs reading “Loos The Beef” and “Carne A-Crazy,” stood outside locations in Puente Hills and Reseda, CA, vocally urging consumers not to support El Pollo Loco’s newest steak menu items.  ”We used to consider El Pollo Loco practically a sister company,” said cow spokeswoman Betsy, “with their deep komitmint to chikin.  But this is lik a slap in the fase.  We feel lik weev been stabbed in the bak with a pitchfork.  We pleed with the good peepel of Southern California not to support an organization that turns their back on the cow kommunity with such obvious krewlty and disrespekt.  We’re prepared to stay out heer as long as it takes to hav our werds herd.”

Only hours after identifying a security hole in Microsoft’s Internet Explorer browser as the culprit in last week’s cyber attack on Google, software maker McAfee verified that the same security hole enabled computer hackers to steal the wallet of 34-year-old Douglas Haberdasher of Lakeville, Minnesota.  According to police reports, the cyber thief was able to fit his or her hand through the security hole and remove Haberdasher’s tri-fold wallet from his American Eagle relaxed jeans pocket.  McAfee officials have reportedly known about the security hole for months and claim that Microsoft has not responded to multiple notices about the issue.  ”It’s really sad that it has to come to this before people really take notice,” said James McAfee, night shift security officer at McAfee.  ”I mean Google leaving China is one thing, but this guy was one purchase away from a free Eggs-In-The-Basket on his Cracker Barrel loyalty card.  How many more casualties do we need before Microsoft does something to prevent this?”

The regular agency-client meeting schedule for the Jimmy John’s Gourmet Sandwiches team was “totally Conan O’Briened” late Monday when the client moved the weekly campaign report call from 10:00 a.m. on Tuesdays to 4:30 p.m. on Fridays, according to several witnesses at the Raleigh, NC office of the Stone Agency.  The weekly calls, scheduled to review online campaign performance and TV GRP results, was reportedly moved to achieve “efficiencies” in the client’s meeting program.  ”This is total bullshit,” said Will O’Callahan, a junior planner at the Stone Agency.  ”The Tuesday slot was perfect.  It’s after the Monday rush, so everyone’s caught up on emails, and they actually look at the numbers.  No one gives a shit on Fridays.  It’ll be like we’re talking to a dead line.  The client will already be checked out, cleaning his clubs for his Saturday tee time.”

The Easter Bunny, the long-time spokesperson for Cadbury Creme Eggs, put a wrinkle in Kraft’s winning, $19.7 billion bid for Cadbury Schweppes early Tuesday when the domesticated Flemish giant announced that it would walk off the job if the proposed merger of the consumer packaged goods giants goes through.  The small mammal, who has dutifully clucked like a chicken in Cadbury ads for over 20 years, said that it would no longer star in the commercials if the Northfield, Illinois-based company is allowed to take over.  ”I’m not about to be Americanized,” said the bunny through its agent.  ”Nobunny knows Easter like me, and I’m not about to let some Hillbilly tell me how to say my lines.  Besides, I’ve never trusted the whole ‘cheese before the macaroni’ thing.  It’s macaroni and cheese people, get it right.”

On the heels of the New York Times announcing its intentions to charge for online news content on a metered system, popular news satire site The Onion announced early today that starting March 1st, it will start to charge by laugh for its online content.  Under the new cost structure, The Onion would charge users on a tiered system: $1 for every laugh, $1.25 for every LOL, and $1.75 for every guffaw produced by the site’s online news stories. The move, which stunned thousands of area men and women, was reportedly made to replace declining print and display ad revenues, and according to Onion management, should allow the paper to avoid deep staff cuts.  ”Without this new source of revenue,” said Wilfred P. Lightbody, The Onion’s CFO, “we would have to lay off two of our three American Voices, our entire Infographic department, and Teddy from IT.  Besides, if Rupert Murdoch can charge for what they pass off as news at FOX, certainly we can charge for laughs.”

Western Regional Sales Director Tricia McNeedy of Adnoyance left a voice message and a follow up email at approximately 11:52 a.m. Tuesday morning, checking in to make sure you had read and received the introduction email she sent approximately 28 minutes prior.  The follow-up email, which contained a forwarded copy of the original email, reminds you of her original request to set up an in-person meeting either tomorrow or Thursday and expressed concern that you have not yet replied to her original email.  According to McNeedy, it’s important that this meeting take place in the very near future, so that she may learn about your client’s goals and objectives and so you can take advantage of some exceptional pricing discounts that won’t last long. McNeedy reportedly understands your busy schedule, and promises to only take 30-40 minutes of your time.  And if you have any further questions, she is more than willing to schedule a follow-up meeting, especially next Tuesday, when her VP of Sales is in town.

The City of Los Angeles announced early last week that it is officially renaming the international landmark Hollywood Walk of Fame as the “Hollywood Walk of Shame” after allowing brands to purchase stars in the Tinsel Town tourist attraction.  The branded stars, which go for approximately $1 million, will intermingle with the stars of noted television, film, and music dignitaries like Grace Kelly, Syndey Portier, and Leonard Bernstein.  L’Oreal and Absolut are the first brands to jump into the renamed walk, next to the stars of Mae West and John Belushi, respectively.  ”We think the name change is remarkably appropriate,” said Hollywood Walk of Fame Steward Jimmy Selloutowitz.  ”We had originally renamed it the ‘Hollywood Walk of Shameless Advertising,’ but that wouldn’t fit on our business cards.”  Proceeds from the brand stars will go into a fund dedicated to researching new ways to whore out historical landmarks to advertisers.