ColemanMedia Report

Junior media buyer Greg Abernathy, scheduled to leave for vacation next Friday, began responding to project requests with verbal out of office replies early Monday, according to several sources at the San Francisco office of Goodbar, Silverstein & Partners.  Abernathy, who has reportedly been talking up his planned South American trip for weeks, responded verbally to a meeting request by saying “You’ve reached the desk of Greg Abernathy.  I will be out of the office on vacation starting Monday, December 21st.  If you have a project or request that requires immediate attention, please give it to someone who’s not busy getting ready for their trip to Punte del Este.”  After co-workers reminded Abernathy that he was sitting right there, Abernathy reportedly responded by saying, “I will have no access to email or phone messages, but if you leave a message, I will attempt to respond upon my return,” before going to the break room to get coffee.

Accomplished journalist, television personality and attention whore Anderson Cooper brought himself to tears during a live broadcast of his popular show AC360 Thursday evening while reporting on the recent changes to popular social network Facebook’s privacy policies.  The reporter, who leaped to popularity after crying on air in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, lamented through sobs that the new privacy policy, – which broadcasts his Facebook friends’ status updates as a default – is “one of the greatest crimes against humanity.”  ”I’ve witnessed some pretty terrible things in my life,” weeped Cooper.  ”I’ve seen utter destruction wrought by nature, I’ve cried in Iraq and Afghanistan, but nothing could have prepared me for this.  This is almost as bad as if we subjected our viewers to unfettered coverage of the personal life of Tiger Woods for two weeks.  Oh, wait.”

The Center for Parental Deflection of Responsibility announced a recall of nearly 30 million babies and toddlers early Tuesday after a study released earlier in the week revealed that the babies posed a serious risk of injury to themselves.  The recall, which comes on the heels of a massive recall of Roman-style shades and blinds, affects 29.8 million children under 36 months of age born between 2002 and 2009.  According to the report, the babies’ defects make them prone to injuries, boo-boos and owwies if left unattended by their parents for more than 36 minutes, and have caused their parents to miss over 67 million hours of primetime TV and “mommy-daddy alone time.”  ”We spent years blaming every product in the household for injuries to children,” said Karen Litigowitz, president of the CPDR.  ”Until we finally figured out it was the children’s fault all along.  As for the parents, they can’t possibly be held responsible for the well-being of their own children.  Micheal Bradley Litigowitz!!!  Stop hitting your sister with that hammer or no Dexter for you tonight!!  Sorry, what was I saying?”

Only two days after making their separation official, sources close to the scene report that newly-single Internet portal AOL and media giant Time Warner have been fighting over rights to the couple’s Bergen County vacation home, mahogany dining set, and John Tesh Songs of Christmas CD box set.  The split, long thought to be mutually amicable by many industry experts, reportedly turned sour when AOL claimed the dining set, purchased last year at the Pottery Barn Store in Short Hills Mall.  According to lawyers for AOL, Time Warner purchased the 6-seat dining set as a birthday gift for AOL.  ”Look, they don’t make the Montego Collection in espresso anymore,” said Lew Alsinger, an attorney for AOL.  ”My client uses that setup to host clients and hold critical sales meetings.  It’s not like she can go back to the ‘Barn and buy another one.”  ”AOL can go look on Craig’s List for all I care,” said Time Warner in a written statement.  ”I have receipts for the dining set and the Tesh CDs, and I’ll be damned if I she’s gonna walk away with them.”