ColemanMedia Report

Just days after conflicting audience reports from Facebook and Twitter had many industry insiders questioning the unabated growth of Social Media, Grandma Gertrude confirmed that Social Media is still in fact growing at a “doggone dizzying pace.”  Gertrude, who has been measuring Social Media’s growth by marking its height on her kitchen wall since it was “this tall,” is still surprised at the seemingly endless expansion.  ”Little Jimmy didn’t reach the counter until he was 8 or 9,” Gertrude said.  ”But I’ll be damned if Social Media wasn’t taller than my doily rack before it was 5 years old.  And it isn’t fixin’ to stop growing anytime soon.  I don’t know what the hell its parents are feeding it, but it’s working.”  Gertrude also reported that while Social Media spends less time watching TV, it’s “always talking to its friends on that damned computer.”

The entire “Digital Holiday Bash” party for the San Francisco office of @rrogant Ideation was inadvertently cancelled late Tuesday when assistant creative director Dave Childress rejected an Outlook invitation from his 17-inch MacBook Pro.  The negative response, which cancelled the entire party due to a little-known compatibility between Outlook and iCal, reportedly angered many of Childress’s co-workers.  ”Dammit!” said Flash designer Flip Jenkins.  ”Dave’s a cool guy, and brilliant copywriter, but that kid is helpless when it comes to computers, man.  I was so looking forward to getting blitzed on Egg Nog and hitting on Janice from client services.  Now I’m gonna have to crash the Nielsen party.  Their parties are always whack.”  Childress was unavailable for comment, and rejected two Outlook requests to be interviewed for this story.

Only one day after Google announced “ground-breaking” enhancements to the capabilities of its search algorithm, short order cook Darren Snead reported early this morning that the search engine helped him locate a sock that had gone missing the night before, while folding laundry.  Google notified Snead of the location of the sock, which had apparently stuck to the inside leg of Snead’s jeans during drying, when Snead wondered aloud to himself as to its whereabouts.  ”At first I was glad they found it,” said Snead.  ”But the more I think about it, the scarier it is.  How the hell did Google do that?”  Enhancements to its algorithm, explained Google engineer Elsa Schnitzengrubel.  ”We’ve been integrating nearly every aspect of life into our algorithm,” said Schnitzengrubel.  ”Now with feeds from social media, the cloud, and Android, we can read your thoughts, your dreams, and even your subconscious.  There’s really nothing you can hide from us anymore.  Especially your socks.”

The entire continental United States air traffic control system was brought to a halt Sunday morning just minutes after the Federal Aviation Administration completed an upgrade from Windows Vista to Windows 7, according to a press release issued by the agency Monday.  According to release, the decision to upgrade was made after watching 2 months’ worth of Windows 7 and Apple commercials on CNN.  ”So we may be a little late to the game,” said operations director Annabelle Crumbsworth.  ”I mean, we are a government agency.  But let’s be honest, that Mac guy is a little bit smug.  I’ve always wanted to see the look on his face when the PC guy finally upstages him, and Windows 7 looked like the first legitimate chance.  But after installing it and having the entire flight plan system shut down on me, I can say with confidence that I am not a PC, and Windows 7 was not my idea.  Okay, so maybe the idea to install it was.”