ColemanMedia Report

Only days after talk show host and media mogul Oprah Winfrey announced that she would be ending her syndicated talk show The Oprah Winfrey Show sometime in 2011, the Center for Media Studies released a statement predicting that the world as we know it will end approximately 72 hours after the last broadcast on CBS.  ”For 25 years, Oprah has been telling people what to read, what to buy and what to think,” said lead researcher Jahn Von Schmickelberg.  ”Without that guidance, most moms won’t know what to do or what to buy.  And with women controlling 85% of all brand purchases, markets will collapse, the economy will dissolve, and all we’ll be left with is Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Sherri Shepherd on The View.  It frightens me to even talk about it.”  Only one week after the announcement, sales of gas masks, bottled water, Twinkies, and James Frey novels skyrocketed.

Black Friday accused co-worker and sometimes competitor Cyber Monday of teasing, cyber-bullying, and among other things, stealing its lunch from the company break room late last week, according to an official complaint filed with its direct supervisor.  According to witnesses, the rivalry between the two shopping days has grown more fierce this year, with Cyber Monday taking pot shots at Black Friday’s notoriously crowded stores and undercutting its traditionally low prices.  ”We all expected Cyber Monday to steal more retail share from Black Friday this year,” said division manager Lindsey Doppelmeier.  ”But we never expected it to steal Black Friday’s lunch.”  According to the complaint, Black Friday is seeking damages for a lost bologna sandwich, a bag of Funyuns, an ice cream sandwich-flavored Snack Pack, and an verbal apology for punitive damages.

Co-workers at the Chicago office of Bogelsby, Bertelbahm, & Humperdink staged an impromptu Twittervention early Monday with traffic coordinator Danny McNeil after McNeil reportedly posted his 26th post on the popular micro blog in under an hour.  According to several of McNeil’s coworkers, the frequency and frivolousness of his posts forced them to intervene and urge McNeil to admit that he has a problem.  ”I check Twitter maybe once a week just to follow a few people, and all I get are Danny’s goddamn updates,” said co-worker Jeremy Brighton.  ”Like last week, I logged in to check out the latest from Shitmydadsays, and all I get is a play-by-play of Danny’s 12-hour Battlestar Galactica RPG session.  That show’s been off the air for like a year!”  According to witnesses, the Twittervention did not work as well as planned.  McNeil tweeted about the confrontation 17 minutes after it occurred.  Ed. Note: Senior Twitterverse Correspondent Erin Mikosz contributed to this article.

Despite reporting better than expected search revenue figures and a rosy outlook on the future of online advertising, Google announced last week that it will be laying off up to 2,500 search engine spiders by the end of its fiscal quarter, ending in January.  According to officials at Google, the move is intended to help the media giant trim expenses and slow down the speed of search results.  ”For a long time we’ve been focused on constantly improving how people find or experience information on the Internet,” said Google co-founder and president Sergey Brin.  ”It’s time we focused on making more money.  You think Microsoft makes money by making things better?  C’mon.  They make money by force-feeding mediocre products to consumers using the leanest operation possible.  Cutting some spiders will help us do just that.”  Officials with Google report that they will first solicit volunteer spiders willing to retire early with generous severance packages, then forcefully lay off the rest.