ColemanMedia Report

Junior media buyer Greg Abernathy, scheduled to leave for vacation next Friday, began responding to project requests with verbal out of office replies early Monday, according to several sources at the San Francisco office of Goodbar, Silverstein & Partners.  Abernathy, who has reportedly been talking up his planned South American trip for weeks, responded verbally to a meeting request by saying “You’ve reached the desk of Greg Abernathy.  I will be out of the office on vacation starting Monday, December 21st.  If you have a project or request that requires immediate attention, please give it to someone who’s not busy getting ready for their trip to Punte del Este.”  After co-workers reminded Abernathy that he was sitting right there, Abernathy reportedly responded by saying, “I will have no access to email or phone messages, but if you leave a message, I will attempt to respond upon my return,” before going to the break room to get coffee.

Accomplished journalist, television personality and attention whore Anderson Cooper brought himself to tears during a live broadcast of his popular show AC360 Thursday evening while reporting on the recent changes to popular social network Facebook’s privacy policies.  The reporter, who leaped to popularity after crying on air in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, lamented through sobs that the new privacy policy, – which broadcasts his Facebook friends’ status updates as a default – is “one of the greatest crimes against humanity.”  ”I’ve witnessed some pretty terrible things in my life,” weeped Cooper.  ”I’ve seen utter destruction wrought by nature, I’ve cried in Iraq and Afghanistan, but nothing could have prepared me for this.  This is almost as bad as if we subjected our viewers to unfettered coverage of the personal life of Tiger Woods for two weeks.  Oh, wait.”

The Center for Parental Deflection of Responsibility announced a recall of nearly 30 million babies and toddlers early Tuesday after a study released earlier in the week revealed that the babies posed a serious risk of injury to themselves.  The recall, which comes on the heels of a massive recall of Roman-style shades and blinds, affects 29.8 million children under 36 months of age born between 2002 and 2009.  According to the report, the babies’ defects make them prone to injuries, boo-boos and owwies if left unattended by their parents for more than 36 minutes, and have caused their parents to miss over 67 million hours of primetime TV and “mommy-daddy alone time.”  ”We spent years blaming every product in the household for injuries to children,” said Karen Litigowitz, president of the CPDR.  ”Until we finally figured out it was the children’s fault all along.  As for the parents, they can’t possibly be held responsible for the well-being of their own children.  Micheal Bradley Litigowitz!!!  Stop hitting your sister with that hammer or no Dexter for you tonight!!  Sorry, what was I saying?”

Only two days after making their separation official, sources close to the scene report that newly-single Internet portal AOL and media giant Time Warner have been fighting over rights to the couple’s Bergen County vacation home, mahogany dining set, and John Tesh Songs of Christmas CD box set.  The split, long thought to be mutually amicable by many industry experts, reportedly turned sour when AOL claimed the dining set, purchased last year at the Pottery Barn Store in Short Hills Mall.  According to lawyers for AOL, Time Warner purchased the 6-seat dining set as a birthday gift for AOL.  ”Look, they don’t make the Montego Collection in espresso anymore,” said Lew Alsinger, an attorney for AOL.  ”My client uses that setup to host clients and hold critical sales meetings.  It’s not like she can go back to the ‘Barn and buy another one.”  ”AOL can go look on Craig’s List for all I care,” said Time Warner in a written statement.  ”I have receipts for the dining set and the Tesh CDs, and I’ll be damned if I she’s gonna walk away with them.”

Just days after conflicting audience reports from Facebook and Twitter had many industry insiders questioning the unabated growth of Social Media, Grandma Gertrude confirmed that Social Media is still in fact growing at a “doggone dizzying pace.”  Gertrude, who has been measuring Social Media’s growth by marking its height on her kitchen wall since it was “this tall,” is still surprised at the seemingly endless expansion.  ”Little Jimmy didn’t reach the counter until he was 8 or 9,” Gertrude said.  ”But I’ll be damned if Social Media wasn’t taller than my doily rack before it was 5 years old.  And it isn’t fixin’ to stop growing anytime soon.  I don’t know what the hell its parents are feeding it, but it’s working.”  Gertrude also reported that while Social Media spends less time watching TV, it’s “always talking to its friends on that damned computer.”

The entire “Digital Holiday Bash” party for the San Francisco office of @rrogant Ideation was inadvertently cancelled late Tuesday when assistant creative director Dave Childress rejected an Outlook invitation from his 17-inch MacBook Pro.  The negative response, which cancelled the entire party due to a little-known compatibility between Outlook and iCal, reportedly angered many of Childress’s co-workers.  ”Dammit!” said Flash designer Flip Jenkins.  ”Dave’s a cool guy, and brilliant copywriter, but that kid is helpless when it comes to computers, man.  I was so looking forward to getting blitzed on Egg Nog and hitting on Janice from client services.  Now I’m gonna have to crash the Nielsen party.  Their parties are always whack.”  Childress was unavailable for comment, and rejected two Outlook requests to be interviewed for this story.

Only one day after Google announced “ground-breaking” enhancements to the capabilities of its search algorithm, short order cook Darren Snead reported early this morning that the search engine helped him locate a sock that had gone missing the night before, while folding laundry.  Google notified Snead of the location of the sock, which had apparently stuck to the inside leg of Snead’s jeans during drying, when Snead wondered aloud to himself as to its whereabouts.  ”At first I was glad they found it,” said Snead.  ”But the more I think about it, the scarier it is.  How the hell did Google do that?”  Enhancements to its algorithm, explained Google engineer Elsa Schnitzengrubel.  ”We’ve been integrating nearly every aspect of life into our algorithm,” said Schnitzengrubel.  ”Now with feeds from social media, the cloud, and Android, we can read your thoughts, your dreams, and even your subconscious.  There’s really nothing you can hide from us anymore.  Especially your socks.”

The entire continental United States air traffic control system was brought to a halt Sunday morning just minutes after the Federal Aviation Administration completed an upgrade from Windows Vista to Windows 7, according to a press release issued by the agency Monday.  According to release, the decision to upgrade was made after watching 2 months’ worth of Windows 7 and Apple commercials on CNN.  ”So we may be a little late to the game,” said operations director Annabelle Crumbsworth.  ”I mean, we are a government agency.  But let’s be honest, that Mac guy is a little bit smug.  I’ve always wanted to see the look on his face when the PC guy finally upstages him, and Windows 7 looked like the first legitimate chance.  But after installing it and having the entire flight plan system shut down on me, I can say with confidence that I am not a PC, and Windows 7 was not my idea.  Okay, so maybe the idea to install it was.”

Only days after talk show host and media mogul Oprah Winfrey announced that she would be ending her syndicated talk show The Oprah Winfrey Show sometime in 2011, the Center for Media Studies released a statement predicting that the world as we know it will end approximately 72 hours after the last broadcast on CBS.  ”For 25 years, Oprah has been telling people what to read, what to buy and what to think,” said lead researcher Jahn Von Schmickelberg.  ”Without that guidance, most moms won’t know what to do or what to buy.  And with women controlling 85% of all brand purchases, markets will collapse, the economy will dissolve, and all we’ll be left with is Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Sherri Shepherd on The View.  It frightens me to even talk about it.”  Only one week after the announcement, sales of gas masks, bottled water, Twinkies, and James Frey novels skyrocketed.

Black Friday accused co-worker and sometimes competitor Cyber Monday of teasing, cyber-bullying, and among other things, stealing its lunch from the company break room late last week, according to an official complaint filed with its direct supervisor.  According to witnesses, the rivalry between the two shopping days has grown more fierce this year, with Cyber Monday taking pot shots at Black Friday’s notoriously crowded stores and undercutting its traditionally low prices.  ”We all expected Cyber Monday to steal more retail share from Black Friday this year,” said division manager Lindsey Doppelmeier.  ”But we never expected it to steal Black Friday’s lunch.”  According to the complaint, Black Friday is seeking damages for a lost bologna sandwich, a bag of Funyuns, an ice cream sandwich-flavored Snack Pack, and an verbal apology for punitive damages.