ColemanMedia Report

In preparation for their imminent departure with Time Warner, long-standing portal and flailing content aggregator AOL announced early Tuesday that it will be cutting the “A” from its name to allow it to focus more on it’s core business of slowly fading into online oblivion.  The move, which will go along with layoffs and a major shakeup of leadership, will reportedly save the company more than $30 million this quarter, making it a much more attractive acquisition target for another hapless media conglomerate.  ”We knew we had to cut, and we had to cut deep,” said CEO Tim Armstrong.  ”And the choice to cut the ‘A’ was the most obvious.  I mean, most of America doesn’t use us anymore, and 90% of Americans under 18 don’t even know who we are, so it was kind of a no-brainer.  Now we can focus solely on the online portion of our business, which we define as operating dying properties or services that Google or someone else has already effectively replaced.”

Junior Account Coordinator Peter Pantswaist was reportedly alerted about the unzipped fly on his jeans Monday afternoon by information aggregation service Google Dashboard, as he logged in to review his privacy settings.  According to Google Dashboard, which tracks Pantwaist’s personal online data and account settings, the fly became unzipped between Pantwaist’s email to Lindsay in HR and his trip to the company restroom.  ”It’s a little creepy, to be honest,” said Pantswaist.  ”On one hand, I’m grateful that it helped me avoid a potentially embarrassing situation, but on the other hand, Google can see that my pants are unzipped.  I mean, the whole purpose of Dashboard was to create transparency about the data they collect on me and give me some control on how it’s used.  But for some reason, I’m even more uncomfortable now than I was before.”  Dashboard also reminded Pantswaist that he forgot to pay his cable bill and that he missed his rearmost upper right molar while brushing his teeth earlier that morning.

Adaptive Brand Marketing and sophisticated predictive modeling algorithms failed to foresee the paper cut suffered by Senior Media Buyer Seth Fogelberg early Tuesday while reviewing impression delivery reports, according to several witnesses at the scene.  Fogelberg, who employed the forward-thinking marketing tactics after attending a CMO round table discussion at Ad:Tech NY last week, expressed disappointment that predictive modeling hasn’t predicted much of anything.  ”I think all this ‘adaptive marketing’ fluff might just be a huge load of BS,” said Fogelberg.  ”None of this stuff has predicted what our target customers will do, how many times my client will change their minds at the last possible minute, or who’s gonna take the lead in my fantasy league this week.  They also failed to warn me about how freaking hot my coffee was this morning.  Worthless!”

Responding to widespread criticism over claims that Cocoa Krispies supports children’s immunity, Kellogg Corporation revised the packaging of the popular kids cereal to reflect the more accurate and verifiable claims that the chocolate-flavored rice crisps can cure cancer and secure world peace, if included as a part of this nutritious breakfast.  The criticism reportedly stemmed from bold lettering on boxes of Cocoa Krispies claiming that the cereal “helps support your child’s IMMUNITY,” which has since been corrected, according to Margaret Bath, Kellogg’s VP of Research, Quality and Technology.  ”At Kellogg, we strive for quality and truth in everything we do, and we apologize for any confusion,” said Bath.  ”Earlier claims of supporting immunity were pure suppositions based on vitamin content, but the current claims of curing cancer and attaining world peace are far more honest, incontestable, and likely to sell more boxes of cereal to people too gullible to check up on our claims.”

Junior Media Planner Josh Nubinski turned down two tickets to last week’s landmark U2 concert in Pasadena, CA because he needed to clean his bathroom and perform other household chores, according to several witnesses at the Los Angeles office of DDBM&G.  The decision surprised Janice Blayford, the Rolling Stone sales rep who offered the tickets, but not co-worker Nick Park.  ”We get asked to go out to drinks, Happy Hours, concerts, and parties like four times a day,” said Park.  ”I mean, there’s only so many nights in a row that you can go out before you start to run out of clean undies.  We’re media planners. It’s not like we have a bevy of maids and butlers who turn down our sheets, or assistants who make sure the cable bill is sent out on time.  Still, though, I probably would have taken the U2 tickets and cleaned the shower on the weekend.  I’m just sayin.”  Ed. Note: Senior Field Correspondent Andrew Lin contributed to this story.

A study jointly released by leading market research stalwarts Dynamic Logic and Media Supervisor Dan Resnick revealed that a 3-hour campaign by Resnick to “score chicks” at Kel’s Irish Pub Friday evening increased dating consideration and dating intent by double digits, but did not lift actual dates.  The study, which surveyed nearly 42 women in their early-to-mid twenties, found that exposure to Resnick’s pick-up lines lifted aided awareness of Resnick by 22% and dating consideration of Resnick by 4.5%.  However, according to Resnick’s calendar, the campaign produced zero actual dates.  ”I’m very pleased with the results,” said Resnick.  ”Okay, so maybe I didn’t actually get a date, but that was never my intent.  I just want girls to be aware of me and keep me top of mind.  I can’t expect my self-marketing efforts to convince people to act.  I just need to know that I changed the way people perceive me.”

Following the departure of Chief Innovation Officer Caroline Whitfield, former Digerati ECD Richard Dumas was promoted Tuesday to the newly-created position of Chief Rhetoric Officer of Omnicom’s SnakeOil unit, according to Tara Schwimmer of popular media blog Cap’NTechCrunch.  Under his new role, Dumas will be charged with bringing in some fresh eyes to the department, and taking a deep dive into sales operations, then circling back to break down silos with efficiencies that onboard synergistic elements into the sales team.  ”Rich should fit right into this role,” said Schwimmer.  ”He’s been blowing smoke up peoples’ asses for years using meaningless jargon and empty buzzwords.  He’s exactly what SnakeOil needs to help push the needle on developing client/agency relationships.”

The marketing sales team at the Chicago office of Foote, Cone and Mr. Belding correctly identified the sound coming from the Polycom SoundStation2 “starfish” phone in the DaVinci Room as snoring early Monday, according to officials with the Cook County Sound Institute.  The sound, which reportedly began approximately 22 minutes after the start of the weekly sales call, continued unabated for nearly 27 minutes, and registering levels as high as 61 decibels, likely originated from the San Francisco office of the ad agency.  ”While we’re still not 100% certain,” said Klaus von Hefschtietel, a sound analyst from CCSI, “We think we have narrowed the source of the sound down to Chip Langely or Ryan Tiergarten, both employees in the San Francisco office who were scheduled to be on the call.  The frequency of the oscillations and the pitch of saw pattern indicate Mr. Langely may be the source, but we cannot get the Chicago employees to stop laughing long enough to confirm or deny our suspicion.”