ColemanMedia Report

United States President Barack Obama has not yet confirmed Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s friend request on Facebook sent early last week, according to representatives of Iran’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Social Networking.  Ahmadinejad, who sent the request last Monday, has come under fire recently for reportedly blocking access to social networking sites Facebook and Twitter after his widely disputed presidential win in June.  ”Ahmadinejad gets a bad rap,” said Khemeni al Khemeni, a spokesman for Iran’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Social Networking.  ”He’s actually a very fun-loving, social guy, and very active on both Facebook and Twitter.  In fact, he’s summarily executed thousands of his own citizens for not accepting his friend requests.”  U.S. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs stated that President Obama has yet to receive Ahmadinejad’s request, largely because the Facebook Mobile app on his Blackberry has been “acting up lately.”

Director of Southwest Sales Simon Nash knows that senior media planner Dara Schlesinger is on vacation, but wants to check in to see if there is anything that he might be able to provide for her in the mean time, according to three voice messages left in Schlesinger’s voice mail inbox late last week.  According to the messages, Nash already spoke with the receptionist, and knows that Schlesinger will be out until next week, but thought he would check in just in case, and apologizes for “adding to your backlog.”  Schlesinger, who returned to the office Monday morning to over 1,300 emails and 26 voice messages, found three voice messages and 16 emails from Nash sent during her two-week vacation.  ”This is getting ridiculous,” said Schlesinger.  ”If he knew I was on vacation until the 28th, what made him think that leaving a second or third message would do anything other than annoy the hell out of me?”

The United States Department of Justice has launched a sweeping investigation into advertising agency “onboarding” practices, according to Deputy Attorney General David W. Ogden.  Ogden, speaking at a press conference in Washington D.C. early Monday, characterized “onboarding,” or the practice of briefing agency team members on new client or project assignments, as “potentially exposing employees to inhumane levels of buzzwords and industry jargon.”  ”Onboarding is the single greatest threat to the ad industry that we know of,” said Ogden.  ”Well, besides the economy, of course.  It needlessly and maliciously exposes low and mid-level employees to empty and meaningless buzzwords designed to make upper and mid-level management seem smarter than they really are.  We view this as a form of torture and will prosecute those responsible to the fullest extent of the law.”

Director of Sales Chase Lively read an article about the launch of junior media planner Julia Postlethwaite’s latest online campaign early Tuesday, and is certain that his ad network, AdNauseum, can provide Postlethwaite’s client with millions of “highly-targeted, highly engaged eyeballs” that will “definitely help her campaign beat its KPI’s.”  According to witnesses at the scene, Lively became the 25th sales representative to contact Postlethwaite since the article broke, at least 14 days into a 21-day campaign.  ”Why do people feel compelled to contact me about a campaign that already launched?” said an exasperated Postlethwaite. “I mean, the campaign launched two weeks ago.  What makes them think there’s still an opportunity!?”  Lively reportedly added that he would be happy send a proposal for any “incremental dollars” and would “prove to [Postlethwaite] just how effective his network is” if she could “just find some testing budget or cancel one of your current placements.”

Sony Music CEO Rolf Schmidt-Holtz announced early Tuesday that Sony label Columbia Records signed Internet sensation Keyboard Cat to a $14 million dollar, six album deal, a new record for an amateur act discovered on YouTube.  According to Schmidt-Holtz, the decision was easy.  ”Look, I’m not gonna lie,” said Schmidt-Holtz.  ”We’re desperate for anyone who can bring in revenue at this point, and Keyboard Cat comes with a built-in audience of millions.  Plus he – or she, I’m not really sure – adds to our talented roster of artists like Pink, Britney Spears, and Kelly Clarkson who consistently put out thoughtful, meaningful music for our more distinguished, educated listeners.  Plus, he works for catnip, which is a helluva lot cheaper than the cases of Jack Daniels and coke that we have to keep feeding Kings of Leon.”  Schmidt-Holtz added that Sony is already in talks with Ralston-Purina for a co-sponsored tour.

The increasingly fragmented media landscape claimed yet another victim late Monday when a stray audience fragment became lodged in the keyboard of Senior Media Planner Kara Kelleher, preventing her from finishing her campaign performance report.  According to Kelleher, the fragment, identified later as the avid MMOG cross-dressing gaming segment of the highly sought after, but elusive M18-34 demographic, lodged itself underneath Kelleher’s “a” key and “caps lock” key, “totally screwing up” her engagement formula in cell L24.  ”It’s hard enough that we have to keep track of 100,000 web sites, 400 TV channels, and God knows how many mobile marketing companies,” said Kelleher.  ”But now audience fragments fall out of the freaking sky onto my desk, and make it so I can’t even finish my report, and make it seem like I’m shouting ‘aaaaaaa’ to Karen over IM.”

Senior Online Media Planner Jed Blakely launched what many industry insiders are calling the first RFP rejection hotline early Monday after receiving nearly 67 proposals for a local online branding campaign for Joe’s Pizza, a local Manhattan pizza chain.  The hotline, which according to Blakely was inspired by a phone number given to him by a young woman from Hackensack Saturday evening, delivers several pre-recorded messages that inform sales reps why their proposal(s) did not make the media plan.  ”I can’t possibly be expected to actually give feedback to people who didn’t make the plan,” said Blakely.  ”So this is my way of at least getting back to them.  I just email them the number disguised as a conference call-in number, and let the recordings to the rest.  That way I have time to manage my fantasy football team.”  Messages on the recording site “it’s not you, it’s me” and “your site’s just not my client’s type” as reasons for not making a plan.

According to several witnesses at the scene, the 3rd Annual Wikipedia Editors party held last Friday evening at Donohue’s Bar and Grill in Watertown, MA was a “total sausagefest” consisting almost entirely of male attendees.  Event organizer Wendell Nincomepough confirmed that of the 376 guests at the party, approximately only 12 were female, many of whom were “kind of the homely type, if you know what I mean.”  The event, which draws ardent volunteer Wikipedia editors from around the country, accurately reflects the demographic breakdown of Wikipedia editors online, according to comScore analyst Lief Bergenbacher.  ”The people who actually take the time to edit Wikipedia are 572% more likely to be well-educated males in their mid thirties who still live with their parents,” said Bergenbacher.  ”So it’s no surprise to us that a party of Wikipedia editors would be all dudes.  I mean, what chick wants to be picked up by a guy who corrects her use of ‘euphemism.’”