ColemanMedia Report

A report released this week by the Anderson School for the Statistically Obvious confirms that Internet users who regularly use online social networks such as Facebook and Twitter are 24% more likely to use online social networks than those who currently don’t.  The report also points out that users of social media are 62% more likely to partake in “social” activities, such as exchanging emails, text messages, and writing reviews of “things that suck.”  ”Wow,” said Dan Determan, a media analyst at Omniworks Mediacom.  ”You mean to tell me that people on social networks are having conversations online?  Like talking to their friends online?  Who would have thought!  This totally validates the $1,695 we paid for this research!”  The report also revealed that people with eyes are 52.3% more likely to read content on social networks than those without.

Just hours after banning Cycles Gladiator Wine from store shelves for having a 19th Century French painting of a nude woman on their label, the State of Alabama issued an immediate ban on all public and private art, written or verbal jokes, and any information or communication over the Internet.  According to state officials, the ban was implemented to protect citizens from any words or images that may be considered salacious, or from any communications that may insinuate or promote the concepts of fun, “highfalutin’” culture, or the general advancement of intellect.  ”We will not allow the marketing of any product or service that corrupts our youth with devil’s tools of indecency, immorality, or irresponsibility,” said Governor Robert Riley.  ”Of course, firearms, American beer, and chewing tobacco products will still be available to anyone over the age of 16 carrying a valid driver’s license or identification card issued by the great State of Alabama.”