ColemanMedia Report

A takeover ad served by leading rich media provider Eyewonder took engagement to an unforeseen level Sunday evening when it issued ransom demands to longshoreman Lucco Giovanni in exchange for access to his fantasy baseball profile on Sportsline.com. According to a police report filed with the Bergen County Sheriff’s Department, the ad demanded several hundred dollars, two tickets to next week’s Springsteen show, and chocolate-covered gummi bears after denying Giovanni access to his sign-up page by “crumpling it like a sack lunch.” The incident has Internet Rights groups up in arms. “This intrusiveness simply will not stand,” said anti-pop-up activist Jeannie Galifanakis. “For too long the average Internet user has been victimized by the creativity and innovation of evil, evil advertisers. We demand to have our content free of charge and free of ads, and if I have to take this all the way to Congress, so be it!” Sunday’s incident was resolved without conflict after the ad settled for one click and two interactions.

The Center for the Exploitation of Recently Deceased Public Figures reported early Monday that WKLT Lite 99.9′s broadcast of Remember The Time marked the 100 billionth Michael Jackson song played over mass media channels since the pop star’s untimely death on June 25th. The broadcast, which took place on the 7th consecutive day of Lite 99.9′s “Missing MJ Marathon,” marks a milestone that has many popular culture critics worried about the effect that the relentless string of tributes will have on the singer’s legacy. “We understand the desire for radio stations to honor arguably one of the most successful entertainers in modern history,” said pop former music critic and short order cook Kurt Loder. “But after you’ve heard Wanna Be Startin’ Something for the 212th time in two days, it becomes a little too much. Not since Chumbawamba’s Tubthumping have we seen songs played so often that they cause visible dread to the listener. And if another person posts “mamase mamasa mamacoosa” on my Facebook page, I’m gonna lose it.”

A report released by the Interactive Advertising Bureau Monday revealed that “Out of Office” emails outnumbered actual work man-hours in the advertising industry by nearly 400 times from Thursday, July 2nd to Friday, July 3rd. According to the report, nearly 110 million automatic “Out of Office” email messages were sent throughout the industry, versus a combined 267.5 hours of actual work performed during the same time period. “Our data indicates that throughout the entire ad industry, approximately 47 people actually showed up to work on Thursday,” said lead IAB research Carlos del Funcionario. “And further study reveals that those 47 people instigated or received approximately 72% of the Out of Office emails generated during that time. We saw Out of Office volume decrease significantly on Friday, July 3rd, as our estimate for employees physically in the workplace fell to just Roger in Ad Operations.”

Just hours after asking a Federal court to impose licensing fees for cell phone ringtones, the American Society of Composers, Authors and Publishers issued a request early Monday to impose similar fees on singing in the shower, humming a tune in public, or asking “what song is that?” to an acquaintance or stranger in a restaurant. According to lead ASCAP attorney Hedwick Gilmer, the request is part of a larger effort to broaden the definition of public performances, from which ASCAP and its members derive nearly half of their revenue. “In these recessionary times,” said Gilmer, “it’s absolutely imperative that we wrest every last penny from the pockets of anyone who publicly broadcasts, enjoys, or exhibits interest in the music of our members. We can’t let a person’s desire to enjoy music get in the way of a license owner’s right to get richer on that person’s behalf.”

Hoping to spark more life into the stagnating organic foods market, the U.S. Department of Agriculture awarded Continental Baking Company’s popular Hostess Twinkies snack cake an official USDA Organic seal late Friday. The seal, which allows Hostess to market the cakes as “organic,” has undergone “slight” modifications in its definition of organic in order to ease limitations on packaged food manufacturers and allow more affordable items to be marketed as such. The move, which surprised many organic purists, has been ardently defended by local politicians and food industry lobbyists. “What’s important is not that America eats healthy,” said Continental spokesman Bobby Jay Bliss, “but that it thinks it’s eating healthy. We can deal with the long-term effects later. That’s why they’re called ‘long-term.’” Continental plans to launch a multi-platform ad campaign touting Twinkies’ “hormone free diglycerides” and “farm fresh Yellow No. 5″ in early August.

A study released Tuesday by the Center for Ubiquitous and Overused Imagery in Advertising revealed that 93.2% of happy families, and over 98% of families that appear to be happy, almost exclusively wear white linen. The study, which surveyed nearly 14,000 print ads, online ads and stock photo galleries, found that of those families wearing white linen, 87% live or congregate in lush, outdoor areas in 72 degree weather from noon to sunset, and that 97.3% have perfect teeth. “We’ve suspected there was a link between happiness and white linen for some time,” said research analyst Sadie MacGruder. “But this research cements it. We also suspected that most happy families were Causasian, but were pleasantly surprised to find that there are an increasing number of Hispanic and African American families who have discovered happiness through white linen.”

The United States Senate Commerce Committee issued a 3-month moratorium on celebrity deaths early Monday, following the near collapse of popular micro-blog Twitter after the rapid-fire deaths of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson and Billy Mays. The moratorium, which would levy steep fines against family members of celebrities who die before September 28th, is meant to protect Twitter, which the US government relies solely upon for information on Iranian foreign intelligence, and the locations of post Soviet-era nuclear weapons and popular Korean BBQ trucks. “Twitter provides a lot of valuable information to the government,” said Senator Barbara Boxer (D), California. “It’s absolutely essential to the security of this country that I know where the Kogi truck is going to be on Tuesday nights. And we can’t have celebrities screwing that up.” Specific warnings about dying were issued directly to Lindsay Lohan, Pete Doherty, and Larry King.

Western Regional Sales Director Steven C. Lackey posted an ad on Craig’s List early Tuesday hoping to connect with Senior Planning Director Marty Swinefelder, who had inadvertently missed his cold sales call earlier that day. The ad, posted in the “Missed Connections” section at 2:43 p.m. local time, describes Swinefelder as “a brilliant ad veteran to whom fate dealt a crushing blow by causing you to be away from your desk,” and described himself as “the super sales savior who will make you the hero of your team.” The ad insisted that Lackey only needs “20 minutes of your time to show you this relationship can deliver more than you ever dreamed of” and that he would ” really appreciate it if you could find time in your schedule later today or tomorrow.” ED NOTE: Senior Caption Editor Travis Volk broke this story while searching for a “roommate” on Craig’s List Tuesday night.

A study released late Friday by online audience stalwart Nielsen NetRatings revealed that the average attention span of US Internet users increased 1.2 seconds to 7.2 seconds, up from a seasonally adjusted average of 6 seconds in January. The increase, credited in large part to more people watching long-form video online, has been lauded by experts as a giant leap forward for online aptitude and general intelligence. “We credit sites like Hulu for the increase,” said lead researcher Dr. Paul Novotny. “More people are watching full episodes of intellectually stimulating shows like America’s Got Talent and Bikini Body Makeover. So their brains are starting to linger longer. In some rare cases, we had average users who could almost complete a rational thought, before they remembered they left the popcorn in the microwave too long.”

Following in the acquisition steps of Google, Time Warner, and Yahoo, millionaire investor Reginald L. Patsy completed the purchase of soon-to-be-defunct file sharing service Pirate Bay late Monday, along with a ownership certificate for the Brooklyn Bridge, according to sources with the Associated Press. Patsy reportedly purchased the site for $7.7 million from Pirate Bay owners Gottfrid Svartholm and Carl Lundstrom as they were being carted off to a Swedish prison for copyright infringement. “A lot of people thought this was a huge mistake,” said Patsy. “But look at what Roxio did with Napster, and how much money Yahoo! made with GeoCities. I’ll be laughing all the way to the bank. Plus, Lundstrom told me that if I threw in an extra $300,000, he would sell me a bridge in Brooklyn. I mean with Real Estate prices in New York, how could I say no?” According to the notary who recorded the sale, the ownership certificate for the Brooklyn Bridge was hand-written on a cocktail napkin from the Aspen Social Club on 47th.