ColemanMedia Report

Officials with the San Diego Center for Disease Control confirmed early Friday that a pandemic-level outbreak of Nerd Flu occurred in and around the San Diego Convention Center last week, potentially affecting thousands of victims.  Officials positively diagnosed over 542 known cases inside the annual Comic-Con International event, but fear that many more cases may go unreported.  The R2D2 strain is considered by many health officials to be far more dangerous than the H1N1 virus, as it can be easily and quickly transmitted via Facebook, Twitter, or SMS messages.  ”It’s especially communicable with jailbreaked iPhones using Skype or some other free service,” said SDCDC president Lars Van Winkle.  ”It’s important that people recognize the symptoms of Nerd Flu so that it can be treated in the early stages.  If you find yourself becoming overly giddy over Tron footage or a near-mint copy of Sandworms of Dune, you should immediately get yourself to the nearest Sports Bar.”  ED. NOTE: Senior Manga Field Reporter Greg Sher contributed to this report.

Just hours after announcing their $850 million dollar acquisition of beloved online shoe retailer Zappos, Seattle-based Amazon.com confirmed that they will change Zappos’ business model from selling shoes to participating exclusively in social media marketing.  According to Amazon officials, the flood of media analysis from the blogosphere calling the purchase the “biggest social media deal of the decade” helped cement their decision.  ”We initially bought Zappos because they had one of the best customer service models we’ve ever seen,” said Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos.  ”They built their entire business on it.  But because everyone at Mediapost, Advertising Age and Brandweek kept pushing the social media angle, we have decided to prove them right, and turn one of the most successful online retailers into a misguided advertising case study.”

Director of West Coast Sales Joey O’Brien left the 56th follow-up to his introductory email Tuesday morning to the voice mail inbox of Senior Media Planner Chet Petersen, according to sources at the San Francisco office of Publicease North America.  According to Petersen, the follow-up calls and emails began approximately 37 seconds after Petersen sent a cursory e-mail response thanking O’Brien for his interest in his clients’ media strategies, and have continued at a rate of approximately 3 per hour since then.  “This is ridiculous, man,” said Petersen.  ”I answered his email as a courtesy, now I can’t get rid of the guy.  I mean he started out by asking if I had time to meet tomorrow, and now he’s accusing me of doing a disservice to my clients by ignoring him.  Relax, man, I’ll get back to you as soon as I deal with the 600 other sales reps that called me yesterday.”

Telecom giant AT&T confirmed in a press conference Monday afternoon that it temporarily blocked calls from Web designer Scott Bluthenthal’s ex-girlfriend Tracie for approximately 3 days.  Fending off denial-of-service accusations from several privacy groups, officials with AT&T defended their position by claiming that they were not denying access to Scott, but rather protecting him from getting back into what would ultimately be another abusive relationship with Tracie.  ”AT&T has no right to control what Web sites we visit, or what calls get through,” said Irene Pricklibottoms of the Center for Internet Rights.  ”It doesn’t matter if that person is just using you to get back at the guy that stood her up on Saturday, or Rick from work, who doesn’t return her calls anymore.  We have a right to unfettered access to booty calls.”  AT&T did not respond, but sources reported spotting AT&T having dinner with Tracie on the patio of Lucques on Melrose Tuesday evening.

A request for proposal reportedly sent to ten Web publishers Monday afternoon unexpectedly received 273 replies to the email inbox of junior media planner Lane Meyer earlier today, according to several sources within the Los Angeles office of Krispy, Portly, & Bogus. The unanticipated responses were reportedly issued after one of the original recipients forwarded the RFP document to his buddy Sal at the ExpandoClick network. “What the hell, man?” said Meyer, looking over response #142 from TheKitchenSink.com. “I narrowed down my RFP list for a reason. I don’t need every idiot sending me a plan. I mean this campaign targets Moms with 2 or more kids in the household. What the hell do I need a 52-page proposal from Maxim for? And how the hell did all these people get my RFP!?” At the time of printing, Meyer reported that 43 sales reps had already followed up to see if they made the plan, and if not, how far they needed to come down on CPM’s to get the business.

In an effort to expand their near-ubiquitous media empire, media giant and quasi-monopoly Google announced a new technology Monday that will allow the search engine to serve keyword-targeted ads directly to users’ subconscious minds during REM sleep. Tentatively dubbed the “4th Screen,” the new format will allow marketers to insert ads directly into consumers’ dreams, where simultaneous media usage is traditionally very low. “We see dreams as the next big growth opportunity,” said Google co-founder Sergey Brin. “We’ve already got TV, Radio and online covered, and no one is buying print anymore, so dreams were the next logical choice. Dreams are highly influential, plus they’re the only landscape that hasn’t been completely pillaged in the name of advertising.” Taco Bell has signed on as one of the first advertisers, promoting their “4th Meal” campaign.

67-year-old Vice President of Media Operations Joel Whitmeier’s attempt to appear relevant to his younger, 20-something subordinates by asking if any of them planned to attend Saturday’s Jonas Brothers concert reportedly fell flat, according to several witness at the scene. The inquiry, which allegedly only made Whitmeier seem more out of touch, did not resonate with its intended audience. “Really? The Jonas Brothers?” said Heather Chandler, 25. “Who listens to that corn-syrupy crap? Seriously, if Joel knew anything about music, he’d know I’m busy being nostalgic about 80′s bands that I’m far too young to remember so that I get some of the creative directors’ obscure Flock of Seagulls references. It’s just pathetic when someone tries too hard to fit in.” According to Chandler, Whitmeier’s references to Ashley Tisdale and Demi Lovato fell equally flat.

A study released Monday by the Center for Obvious Gags and Wordplay revealed an alarming link between the emerging technology of cloud computing and the controversial theory of global warming. According to the report, Excel spreadsheets and sales Powerpoint presentations stored in the cloud may be attaching themselves to valuable hydrogen molecules, causing severe water shortages, and potentially speeding up the process of global warming by up to 342%. “We’ve always suspected that unnecessary sales drivel would somehow lead to the end of the world,” said lead researcher Wyatt Donelly. “But we never thought that it would happen this quickly. We don’t really understand exactly what cloud computing is, but that’s not the issue. The issue is the lightning fast accessibility of insipid sales material literally sucking the essential elements of life out of our immediate atmosphere.” According to the report, cloud computing could end life as we know it somewhere in the second quarter of 2012.

A study by the Center for Overused Catch Phrases reported that the commonly used phrase “in this economy” was used for the 100 millionth time Friday afternoon by traffic coordinator Ricky Ullman, setting a new record for common catch phrases referencing news or popular culture. The utterance, which was in reference to Ullman’s pleasant surprise that his client’s budgets remained flat for the quarter, set a record for public or private occurances of the catch phrase, since the COCP started measuring it in December 2008. “Not since ‘that’s what she said’ have we seen a catch phrase become so annoyingly ubiquitous so quickly,” said leading linguist Gunter von Lunghofen. “It’s literally permeated so deep into society that children as young as four years old have been observed using it to lobby for larger allowances.” “In this economy” was not alone, however. The study revealed that the phrase “from Wall Street to Main Street” came in a close second with 89 million occurrences.

“Pirate” Joe, the homeless man often seen hanging outside the Chicago offices of Foot, Cone and Mr. Belding, revised his ad spend outlook down for the remainder of 2009 Monday afternoon, citing “downward economic pressures on budgets for online branding initiatives, especially in emerging and largely unproven segments like mobile and digital WOM.” Joe, widely respected as the most accurate barometer of the online advertising industry, still calls for growth in the sector, but predicts that growth will slow due to a longer recovery cycle of the macro economy. “We take Joe’s word as the truth,” said Kevin Longstocking, Executive VP of Media for FCB. “Sure, he’s usually drunk before 10:00 a.m., but he’s far more accurate than most of these holding companies and self-prescribed ‘experts’ with Mediapost who only release spending projections to secure their next consulting gig. Plus, you should hear his joke about the nun and the horse whisperer. Hilarious!”